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Courteous Reader All men are soldiers, now, and some women : let us Generalize

-srs^ss oTmTj^l^ "rrim,rsai^ °f taient ^ ** *• **• * ^

-otto of this, „ur fifth Volume TeH " Other T,W-7^ V ^ ^ "" t"to " A Good Fi«W' - *

and are likely to g„ home shorn"' *" Me™0eS °f the South' who ca™ <»* ^out wool

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«.-*- of the KebelXT ££&£££ •^£^E££«r*-i>>

its Checkers it ha, airline mo h to cheek rete to b XT G™ent "" *eU ad"CTed ' fOT' witt Bat there was forboaraaoe Wore the wold "F £ " w s Vandered'fo'rfh 7°" *? T ^ ^ ""»*■ men, we of the North. Long time we nreached unto Z I ?I , L°ng tlme suffered we the Sou">-

« there are, indeed, ..Sermons b^^L^S^M^H ^T^™ *" ** *** ; »d an.ole sent out by „s to convert their heaftenish Lrhor! » n, , yCt' dse are the sl">l°^ of that

despised row of pins heatb.en.sh harbors apprecable by no higher standard than that of the

zzzt^rz:: ^rrrLzr ^j*****. * * »*>»*- <* the **

weapons wc all have become I * ^^ th<! ^ °f °U1' ,aSt ^^- h™ "ristly with war

as that flagitious old Cockney dd but would olftT T 'en ^ ? °Q'y' W° WOuld n<>t *«<* « «» H Columbu has gone heavily into t cutl rv Tnc »oH ?, ' """ ^"^ °" MP**«ons for higher things.' are to be poked up, a littfe, befot Se II ZletZT^T^ ? ^ S"">M^"S **»* rebelfion accomplished be rifled one . Henc forth whit thf 7 '. "V"" fireirM18 W''th whioh thirt «!«'•«<« I.

the ooal-8cuttle-.a!l. We must be ctnsttm!" ' 1<5t P°ke'' a"d ^ he "^ »»d *• shovel and

Courteous Reader! farewell- we shall mMt • ™ t ■ lTni°" and Constitution forever !

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VA^TTY FAIR.

[JANUARY 4, 1862.

RANTMQUEEO DE BOOM-JING-JIM j

— OR —

THE WRATH OF THE REBEL RIVAL.

A ROMANCE OP THE WAR. By McArone.

CHAPTER IV.

Had Peter's pistol been loaded with ball, Don Rantanquero would inevitably have been killed. As it contained nothing but powder, and very poor powder at that, he escaped with the loss of his eye- brows.

But shooting in the face, even with a blank charge, was not an act that he could overlook with submission . . .

He spanked Peter severely, and threw him into a ditch .

The battle now raged more fiercely than ever. The Don was getting his mad up, and began to feel bad.

He went sloshing around among a regiment of mounted infantry, and they all agreed that they had never felt so cut up in their lives before.

Directly, he met General Beauregard and his staff, splendidly dressed, with a fresh coat of whitewash all around.

They whipped out their swords and pistols and things, and en- circled our hero, who drew himself up to his full height by the waistband of his trousers, and flashed defiance upon them with an eagle eye, while he surveyed the field with the other.

" You're a blower," sail Beauregard. " I know you. Who starved his washerwoman ?' '

" 1 despise you more than usual," remarked the Don ; " but if you can accustom yourself to the idea of mortal combat, come on."

" Seize the caitiff P thundered Beauregard, turning pale.

" Gentlemen," said Rantanquero, with deep meaning, " if any man of you touches me, I'll fall on him !"

All shrank back aghast at this fearful menace.

" I want to lick you single," said the Don, more playfully, to Beauregard.

" Take him away !" shrieked the General, " remove him ! And bring me some brandy and bitters. I don't feel well."

His aids rushed forward to execute the mandate and the Don, but he had drawn his sword, and they were no match for such a Lucifer.

At the first lunge, one fell down a hill ; at the second, another fell down a corpse ; the others ran away ; the balance died of fright, and the remainder were taken prisoners.

This decided the battle. When the Rebels found that their leader was very ill, they fell into confusion, and retreated in disorder. The Federals hastened to take up their killed and wounded, as the enemy was known to be hungry, and it was unsafe to leave help- less men about, who might make good nutritious provender.

Peter was found concealed in a soft-soap barrel, near Richmond, and Don Rantanquero took charge of him for future amusement.

General Beauregard had such frightful pains and cramps that he was turned completely inside out. He was carried off, in this condition, by some of his friends, members of the first families of Virginia, and it was a month before he could be got into shape again .... a process only accomplished by greasing him well and persuading him to swallow himself.

After this, he did as well as could be expected, but expressed his opinion that things were slightly mixed, inside of him.

It was in this engagement that the young lieutenant of Light Quadroons, mentioned in our last chapter, captured a twelve hun- dred pound columbiad with one hand tied behind him, and carried it home. He now uses it for a paper-weight.

It was in this engagement that Don Rantanquero received seven hundred wounds, all more or less fatal, and survived them.

It was in this engagement that private Sears, of Company A., Twelfth regiment, distinguished himself. Totally unarmed, and many hundreds of miles from the scene of carnage, he escaped without an injury, and lived happily forever after.

The Rebels retreated to Huntsville, Alabama, and proceeded to fortify that place. The Federal army took advantage of the move- ment to occupy Richmond, which so delighted Papa Greeley that he immediately bought a new coat, and went on a spree ; two things he was never known to do before.

Don Rantanquero hastened to New York with President Davis, as soon as the battle was over, and made a very lucrative arrange- ment with Barnum, who wished to exhibit Jeff, with the baby

anacondas, the What-Is-It ? and over 3,000,000 of other curiosities from every part of the globe.

The Don then went down to Jersey for his wife. She was pretty glad to see him.

Returning to Washington, the happy couple were feted and glori- fied everywhere. They were presented with the freedom of the city, and received appointments as Maids-of-Honor to Mrs. Lincoln, who is really a very estimable lady, notwithstanding that the Herald speaks well of her.

Peter, with a chain and ball attached to his coat-tail, was con- fined in the guard-tent of the Don's camp. It was proposed that he should be made to take the oath of allegiance, but as that pun- ishment is only administered, apparently, to the worst sort of criminals, the proposition was overruled.

" I swear vengeance !" howled Peter, rattling the bars of the cell where he lay, in the basement of the tent. " If I ever ketch Rantanquero down my way I'll ..."

" Peace !" cried the sentinel.

Now, the cry of " Peace" is especially obnoxious, in these days, and it will not surprise the reader to learn that the sentinel caught a licking in about two and a half minutes, from some three-months veterans who heard him. On discovering that he had only been cautioning a prisoner, however, they apologized, and passed a vote of thanks.

Midnight fell upon the scene.

Richmond lay bathed in a slumbrous sheen of pearly silver light. The dark trees, and cows, and other things that ornament a first- class landscape, were molten in liquid shadow. The balmy air was redolent of katy-dids and nightingales. Everything was pretty quiet, and looked bully.

Peter alone was wrathful and uneasy, in all that scene of heavenly calm.

Like Sterne's starling and Papa Greeley's ideal nigger, he wanted his freedom.

Now, mark the subtle ingenuity of the cuss.

His first thought was, of course, to relieve himself of the weight of the chain and ball. This he accomplished by taking off his coat. His second idea was naturally to remove the sentinel, and this he thought best done by the gentle but rigorous hand of death. Accordingly, he pecked the soldier on the head with a sharp stone.

It was effectual.

A moment after, the ponderous key grated in the< rusty lock ; the heavy bolts slid back, and Peter swinging open the barred and ironclad door of the guard-tent, stole noiselessly forth, with no arms but a bowie-knife, two revolvers, a slung-shot, a small-sword and a heavy club ; and with no provisions but a bottle of whiskey and a deck of cards.

Thus freed from durance vile, the Rebel Rival sped on the wings of purple wrath to Huntsville, and knocked at the gates of the city. He was admitted, and met the Right Reverend Brigadier Bishop General Polk, who was in command of the police, there.

" How d'ye, Polk?" said Peter.

" How d'ye, Peter ?" said Polk.

"So-so. How's things ?"

" Things is kalooshus."

" Bad defeat."

" Tol-lol. Come and mingle ?"

They went into a corner-grocery, and drank corn-whiskey assid- uously for an hour, while Peter told his adventures. Polk then went to pay for the drinks, and offered the groceiy-man two fifty- dollar Confederate notes. They had depreciated a little, and were held at just about the value of a quart of whiskey. The grocer looked indignant.

" No, Sir ; said he ;" you don't play no sich points onto me. I may be a thunderin' big knave, and a mangy whelp, but I ain't no fool. Take yer licker and leave, but don't offer me no sich shin- plasters as them !"

The Brigadier Bishop General left, looking rather red. It was wrong of the grocer to embarrass him that way. When sober, he was a very worthy man.

On this occasion, however, both he and Peter were pretty drunk, and the latter came very near losing his life.

Getting separated from his companion, Peter went stumbling around town, until some members of the Mississippi Cannibals hap- pened to meet him. They took him for a spy, and being rather lively fellows, concluded to have some fun with him.

Accordingly, they loaded a fifteen-inch columbiad, with two pounds of powder, and tying Peter, hand and foot, thrust him into the gun. At a given signal, the command was uttered :

'•Fire !"

The artilleryman stepped forward, and applied the match to the priming of the cannon.

(To be Continued.)

JANUARY 4, 1862.]

VANITY FAIR.

Palming it upon Us- Mr. James Redpath— significant name ! — used to edit a paper here called the Pine and Palm. The worship of the negro was his superstition, with the African he was— theo- retically—a black man and a brother. Lately, Mr. James Redpath has repudiated the lively negro insurrection melody chanted formerly by him, and sings, now, nothing but a palinode. The Wisest of men said once that a rod was the thing for a— well, for the back of any person suspected of weak intellects. Mr. James Redpath, whose backers have not left him a back to his back, thinks that his hand will be just as good for the deserved castigation, and so, cutting off a pliant wattle from the Pine, he asks the public to lay it across his Palm, and says he will leave off writing nonsense for the newspapers, and be a better boy for the future.

News from the Sea.

All the tug-vessels employed in placing the Stone Fleet were more or less crippled in the discharge of that duty. They left their Tows in the main channel to Charles- ton harbor.

A good General to command Coast Expe- ditions.

General Lander.

The Coolie Trade in New York- Carting Ice about this time o' year.

A Wick that gives ^, good deal of Light, Van Wyck.

FROM OUR WAR CORRESPONDENT.

"The new Camp blankets aee soTremarkably fine, that many of our soldiees. use them for fishing-nets." JS

STARRING IT AND BARRING IT.

Mr. Dionysius Lardner Bourcicault, as he used to call himself — he has dropped the middle name altogether, we believe, but we insist upon giving him L. — appears to have organized a second battalion of the celebrated New Orleans " Cock-tail Guard," at his theatre in London, the Adelphi. Whether the engagement of Mr. George Jordan, of the above-named corps, who is now, we believe, on the strength of the Adelphi company, has anything to do with the Flagging state of business at that house, we cannot undertake to say. If such is the case, however, Mr. D. L. Bourci- cault, or Boucicault, may one day discover what the burn't-cork melody so sweetly inculcates upon us, namely, that the road of Jordan is far from being a pleasant one to travel. " Under which King, Bezonian ?" Was it not under the Stars and Stripes of the Union, and under the Ban, not the banner of the South, that the " Octoroon" first rained down golden dollars upon the dramatist ? Great, or, rather, Ingrate dramatist ! whose special Thespis now waves the Stars and Bars of the S. C. over the proscenium of the Adelphi, to abase his benefactors ! What next, Mr. Dionysius L. Bourcicault? Will you produce the "Octoroon" at New Orleans, next ? Jordan's is a hard road to travel, Mr. D. L. Bourcicault.

Remarkable Zampillaeronautostatic Feat. This is what the gushing Albany Statesman says : " Mr. Demers, of the Troy Times, went up with La Mountain the other day in front of the enemy, and afterwards LaM. daringly cut looso and sailed directly over his head."

It is not quite clear over whose head the daring "LaM." sailed. If over his own head it must have been a decided case of Ossa upon Pelim. If he merely cut Mr. Demer's head loose and then sailed over it, he didn't do anything very remarkable : all which considered, we feel ourselves justified in crying Ban ! to that LaM.

The man who literally makes a living by Hook and by Crook. The walking-stick maker.

A SQUIB BY OUR POWDER-MONKEY.

" It is announced that two tons of powder have been discovered bnr ied on Gov Jackson's farm-" — Daily Paper.

"What! Gunpowder dead ?"

Exclaimed one, as he read

The announcement above that is quoted,

" And the sleeping two tons

By some rough sons of guns

Disinterred and to warfare devoted !"

Says another, says he

With finesse — " Don't you see

That as Gunpowder lives but by flashes,

Leaving nothing behind

But some smoke on the wind,

'Twere absurd to cry ' Peace to its Ashes ?'"

Apropos of New Years Day!

With what fatal facility men acquire the slang of diplomacy. We lately heard a person describe a friend of his as tripaniTE, meaning that he was three parts intoxicated.

A Con for Con-tractors.

Q. Why would Mahomet have been a popular man among con- tractors, had he lived to the present improved period? A. Because he was a Handsome Prophet.

A Weighty Opinion. "I guess lager beer makes folks hefty," said a cute looking country cousin on a city visit — " 'Most all the chaps I see drinkin' it is Tew Tons."

Spirit of thfl English Press.

Cotton Gin.

V^lISTITY F^lIH.

JANUARY 4, 1862.]

HAVE

LITTLE TRIALS.

Squalid Beggar.— Pray sik, take pity on a miserable wretch— I

HAVE A WIFE AND SIX CHILDREN.

Gent.— My took fellow, accept my heartfelt sympathy— Sq

HAVE I ! !

A TALE OF TWO HEROES.

A lordly house in a spacious square,

And a carriage before the door ; A carriage of workmanship costly and rare, A damask, spring-cushioned carriage and pair, The carriage in short of the millionaire

Major General Buffer Galore.

A soldier of Fortune in sooth is he,

And not of the "feather-bed" sort, For, in that very equipage you see, He has j ust made a campaign valiantly Within telescope range of the enemy, In a period remarkably short.

When Treason first lifted its hydra head

From the swamps of our Southern shore, And the flag of Rebellion defiantly spread Its stars, from the Uniou's bright canopy shied With emulous zeal to the Capital sped The citizen Buffer Galore.

By a figure of speech he offered his sword

To his country's cause once more ; His heart's best blood should be freely poured To defend her soil from the Rebel horde, Provided they'd simply make him, d'abord, Major General Buffer Galore.

The crisis is new and the peril great,

And Esquire Galore, besides, Has " friends at court" of the proper weight For whom he has done little favors of late, So a full Major General soon, in state,

In his spring-cushioned carriage he rides.

Three terrible months of wear and tear,

O'er the " sacred soil" he led His foot-sore troops with fatherly care, Reclined in his damask-lined coach and pair, Wherever he heard that the Rebels were,- —

But whence they had always just fled.

Three months ; and the modest hero vows

That his warrior days are o'er. With a grace that is all his own he bows, As his native city in pride, endows With the victor's wreath the martial brows

Of its own Major General Galore.

And his lordly house in the spacious square

Seems lordlier than before ; He will soon be a double millionaire, And even his unconscious carriage and pair A sort of historic sacredness wear.

Since the campaign of Buffer Galore,

From a narrow court in the lower town,

There shimmers a dusky glare ; The houses are stunted, and patched, and brown,

Aud their eaves seemed gnarled with a rugged frown, As though they were wroth that the sun looked down

On the poverty huddled there.

An iron din, and a dusky glare, j

And leashes of grimy men, With, mayhap, a woman, scarce more fair, Or a child with the old, pinched face of care Are all that pass to the outer air

From the depths of that sombre den.

On a summer day in the hot noontide,

A swart-brow'd man, and tall, Flinging his ponderous hammer aside, And doffing his apron of bullock's hide, From the dusky court, with a resolute stride

Went forth at his country's call.

The column was cheered with( lusty will

As it swung through the gazing town ; But weeping women followed it still, And their eyes long watched, wjth loving skill,' The lessening files from the western hill

Till the Summer sun went down .

No jewelled sword did this soldier wear

To clang on his brawny calves : He rode in no stately carriage and pair, And was so very far from a millionaire, That his comrades only knew him there

As private Sledge, of the Zouaves.

Yet the love that Sledge to the Union bore,

Though it seems absurd, you know, Was as strong as that of the rich Galore, And his blood was quite as ready to pour ; — Indeed some think it was rather more,

Since, alas ! it did really flow.

Three terrible months, in the battle wrack,

In the picket's deadly snare, In the scout's lone midnight bivouac, In the rear of retreat, in the van of attack, And the swart Zouave again is back.

In the narrow court's dull glare.

But, alas ! his hammer strikes no more

The sparks from the anvil's edge ! A one-armed cripple sits at the door Of the smoke-brown cabin that rang of yore, With the sturdy strokes and the forge's roar

Of the stalwart smith, Will Sledge.

A warrant of land he had, 'tis true ;

A hundred acres and more ; But where they fallow he never knew : What could a one-armed cripple do ? The warrant was sold to a griping Jew,

To keep the wolf from the door.

So no clamors of welcome rend the air ;

No laurel adorns his brow ; He bows from no lordly mansion there To a blatant crowd in a spacious square, And instead of a double millionahe

Will Sledge is a Pauper now !

JANUARY 4, 1862.]

VANITY FAIR.

A Parable for the Preacher.

At a dinner given recently at the Astor House, a difference arose between the Eev. Henry Ward Beecher and Mr. Parke God- win, editor of the Evening Post, as to the matter of J. Bull, Esq. The Reverend Beecher said he " loved him." Mr. God- win said he "hated him." Then the Rev- erend Beecher turned upon Mr. Godwin with this reply :

" That is because I am a Christian and you are not."

Vanity Fair does not consider this speech insufferably impertinent at all, but would simply like to know what the Reverend Bercher thinks of a certain Pharisee who went up into the temple to pray, and stood apart from the lowly publican and said :

" I thank Thee that I am not as other men are * * * even as this publican."

The Reverend Beecher will please turn to the chronicles of St. Luke, xviii — 11., for a fuller report.

A Present meant as a New Year's gift for all Decent People.

The Presentment by the Grand Jury, with regard to the Broadway Concert Saloons.

The best of the Cardinal Points.

The West — since the good news from General PorE's division in Missouri.

A New Year's Call for all of us. The call of suffering Ireland.

Every bit as good as Silvery Notes. Treasury Notes.

First Specimen.— Aw— Gus, why don't you shave your chin and cultivate the English style of whiskers ? Second ditto. —Aw should do so, ma bawy, but pact is my lungs need the protection

OF A BEAWD — AW.

CONFESSIONS OF A REPORTER. Taken Prom his dying lips, by a Friend and Phonographer.

My form is nearly ready to go down, Dribble ; write right away ! I was destined for the ministry, but failed to fulfil my destiny and become a sub in the city department of a lethargic daily. There I passed the years that have intervened so far, and now that I am going to report elsewhere, I wish to make a few explanations in regard to certain matters with which the public is, or has been in- terested. 1 do not wish to have what I shall say set up, because the editors of the daily might object to some portions of it, and kill my complimentary obituary in the make-up to-morrow night.

In my time I have been booked for about four hundred meetings, lectures and exhibitions. Of these I confess to having attended only thirteen. The reports for the balance were cribbed, boiled down or enlarged, from the evehing papers or from other fellows copy. I objected to attending some meetings where description was required, chiefly because it was always easier for me to depict things from imagination than reality. I remember having written about thirty six columns, minion solid, of Skating Carnivals, Ice Frolics, and Scenes at Central Park without ever going nearer to 59th street than Crook & Duff's. I have also jerked about forty columns of scenes and incidents during processions, military, politi- cal and others, without any data whatever, beyond that furnished by a welch rabbit, a Toby of half-and-half, and a pencil and scrap of paper. I don't mean to go back on any of the boys who are not ready to accompany rne to the bourne whence &c, but I feel it due to my reputation, to say that my sensations were no stronger than their's as a general rule. At times I worked off a few Wash- ington letters on telegrams when the news was scarce, or the wires didn't work, but wouldn't have done it had I not been put to it by the Tycoons and Owls.

My forte was surmising. I could surmise any particulars on any given subject with great facility, and my people kept me at it pretty steadily. What few axes I ground never cut much for me — I don't believe that I ever was tipped with more than forty slugs in my life. I have amassed considerable intelligence on every point, so much so that I was in hopes of hiring out to Appleton as

volume X. Y. Z. of the Encyclopedia, but I see I am booked to furnish my lost items to-night. What I haven't seen of life I sup- pose can't be worth seeing — so I don't care about it now. Some people think I owe them coin — they ought to know, I'm sure — I don't, I don't feel as if I owed anybody anything except grudges. I hope the public will forgive and forget my numberless sells — they were generally interesting and worth two cents a day. Next to that of a reporter, Dribble, you can say that I think the position of Head Pauper in our alms house, is the finest one on this Conti- nent. Good night, by telegraph ! Dribble !

This is Surely Progress.

A provincial editor has opened a new and original department in his journal, situated in the vicinity of the matrimonial, natal, and obituary notices. To say the least it is convenient and very ex- pressive, as may be seen from the following illustration :

Eloped. — Eloped on the 1st inat., Cbarlks Henry, son of Martin Eycleshymer and Jane Welling, adopted daughter of Henry Wier, both of Pittstown. — December 6, 1861. HENRY WIER.

In a week or two we shall expect to find a special department for the Abducted, announcements to be paid for at regelar rates.

The Kind of thing they do down in Jersey.

Why is an arohery butt like a bridle ? Because it is made to receive a(n)arrow head !

Sentiment, by an Operative.

" A Barber's industry, like that of a Carpenter, should bo shown by the number of his Shavings."

Vehicles of Expression.

Cartes de visite.

8

VANITY FAIR.

[JANUARY 4, 1862-

COTTON AND CORN.

Cotton and Corn were mighty kings, Who differed at times, on certain things,

To the country's dire confusion ; Corn was peaceable, mild, and just, But Cotton was fond of saying " You must," So after he'd boasted, bullied, and cussed,

He got upsa revolution, ir. Now, Corn was loth to make it a fight, But he felt that Cotton would crush the Bight,

So he came to the Law's protection ; He raised an army a million strong To lift up the Bight and put down the Wrong, And it certainly seemed that he, ere long,

Should wipe out the insurrection, in. But the Lion ... a quarrelsome whelp, by the way Took it upon himself to say,

Without license, Jeave, or permission, That the casus belli was all in a horn, That Cotton was just as right as Corn, And that he should soon, as sure as you're born,

Give Cotton his recognition.

Then Corn grew wrathy, and one fine day, When Cotton's Commissioners sailed away

To visit the Lion's dominions, He took them quietly from the ship And jugged them where there could be no slip 'Twixt the cup of good luck and Justice's lip,

To await the Law's opinions.

Then 0, how angry the Lion grew ! 'Twas a British ship with a British crew

Whence Corn the Bebels had taken ; So the Lion fretted, and schemed, and planned To take a strong and dignified stand, Yet still to leave, on the other hand,

A chance for saving his bacon.

For you see that Cotton, though all very fine, Is of little use when you want to dine,

While Corn is an institution Without whose aid the Lion must go Dinnerless, supperless, to and fro, So, spite of his wrath, this cut will show

The end of the revolution !

Mind your French.

Young people ! you cannot over-rate the importance of attending assiduously to your lessons in French. You have all heard, or heard of, the celebrated John B. Gough, the temperance lecturer. Unfortunately for Mr. Gough, he has neglected, among other things, to cultivate the French language. There was lately pub- lished, in Paris, a book called " Un Essai sur Tite Live." The title of this work took the fancy of the great temperance lecturer, who supposed it to be an an analysis of the drunkard's career. He bought the book. He employed a linguist to translate it. He began to read it, when it was translated, and then, to his mortifi- cation, he discovered that Tite Live is only the French for Titus Livius, after all ! Young people ! see how necessary it is to be pro- ficient in French !

Odd Enough.

" I don't see what is the matter with the magazines, complained the Landlady ; " I don't get them regularly at all . . . only now and then a number."

"So much the better, Madam," said X.

" And why ?"

" Because, Madam, ' there's Luck in Odd Numbers !' "

The First, Last, and Only.

Jeff. Davis, replying to a serenade, opens his little speech thus : " Our victory is Won."

This is evidently a misprint. Jeff, was alluding to Bull Run, and said, " Our victory is One !"

VANITY FAIE.

=Araa*>j?-jf? ^c.

MRS. COLUMBIA

SHOWS LITTLE JEFF. DAVIS HIS CHRISTMAS TREE.

JANUARY 4, 1862.]

VANITY FAIR.

11

SQUARE-TOED DOINGS IN BROOKLYN.

Brooklyn is at the other end of the Fulton Perry, and it is usually worth two cents to go there. It is dangerous to stay too long in Brooklyn, as there is no telling what might happen to you. Mr. Henry Ward Beecher attends to the place and keeps it from going to seed. He is said to he in the interest of the Union Ferry Com- pany ; if it were not for that he would in all probability live on this side, of the East River like other people. Somewhere or other about the place there is, or was an Opera House, without a great deal of opera.

The edifice was erected in the year 29,000, chiefly in opposition to the hand-organists who monopolised the opera at the time. The builders were stockholders of the deepest dye, who were also interested in the Plymouth Church. These men thought that an Opera House was a purified hippodrome, or a sort of sanctified Free Concert Saloon ; a place where it was not so wicked to go as it seemed, or as it might be. A place that they had no doubt St. Peter would have attended, had he lived in Brooklyn and owned a pew in Mr. Beecher's Church. In its way they esteemed it a Moral Musical Museum — Susini replacing the "Great Behemoth of the Scriptures," Mancusi the " WaaMs-it?" and BRiGNOLithe "Living Whale" that finally died. We had proposed giving some idea in this place, of how disappointed the whole tribe of Stockholders were when Ullmann opened his show for them in their holy play- house, but on second thoughts we will not. Suffice it to say " white chokers is riz in Brooklyn." No more opera if you please, for Mrs. or Mr. Stockholder. Symphonies perhaps, but no more " furrin operies" for people who reside in Brooklyn, who use Brooklyn Prayer Books, who eat Brooklyn Steam Bakery Bread, who drink Brooklyn Ridgewood Water, and who converse in a Brooklyn tongue. Brooklyn is noted for its old ladies with spectacles, and they can't see this sort of thing. If a Symphony to suit them can- not be had ready made, like F. Y .S., what do you think they are going to do ? Why, hire Dan Bryant to make one, and give a boy a shilling to carry it over to them in his arms. If Dan Bryant says, as he always does, that he too " can't see it," then they have another resource. They will engage a Stockholder with a pure mind, and a limp, to write a Symphony out of his own head — and that will be grand. You can't tree the Brooklyn folks — they mean to have things all their own way. We venture to say that the Stockholder's Symphony will be a grand thing, with trimmings and an accordeon movement. Bones will be introduced to depict the tears of a German lady with a broken English accent, and a passion for pawn tickets. Probably there will be solos for the Armenia's sweet- toned Calliope. Besides there maybe bagpipes, musical toy cats, tin horns, omnibus bells, typical of cough lozenges and Mrs. Winslow's Soothing Syrup. If written, the work will doubtless live and be played to crowded houses.

Probably when these things shall have.come to pass, Brignoli will offer to act as children's nurse in some quiet family, where the pro- fanity of the gentlemen is all done in a minor key, and Ullmann will ask permission to ride behind General George Washington, who is bound north from Union Square on a brass horse with a German silver tail.

We hope that the day of the Stockholder's Symphony is not far off.

That is about the way musical matters get on in the Squared- Toed Metropolis — let us cast an eye upon purely dramatic arrange- ments.

Not long since— or at any rate " once upon a time" — somebody proposed that the Directors of this same Orthodox Opera House should " lease it for dramatic representations," or, in New York parlance, let it become a theatre. Thin was a quiet business propo- sition, but the effect upon the lordly Stockholders was quite similar to that occasioned by the administering of treacle and brimstone to the gay and rollicking pupils of Dotheboy's Hall, England — during the " Squeery dear'' era. Virtuous ventricles sickened at the thought, and every eye from horror assumed a milky white- ness.

If "Traviata" was bad, what was the condition of the " Seven Sons?" If the " Ballo" was a high handed outrage, what about "The Merchant of Venice ?" No ! Never ! Not if they lived a thousand years, and their grandchildren should become professional horse-stealers and assassins.

Well, time rolled on, and another somebody appeared with infor- mation that there was a Moral Drama in full blast near the old Park, New York, and that it was more than paying expenses. Couldn't Brooklyn arrange for a little Moral Drama? Oh! Ah! Aye ! Exactly ! That was the thing ! That might do ! Especially if it could be controlled wholly by the Board of Directors.

The result was more meetings to consider the propriety of this style of things, and finally a resolution was adopted inviting pro- posals for a Moral Drama at the Academy of Music* Of course there came a response, and a lease of the house was given to an

able manager — whom may the gods assist, say we. Last week the able manager announced his programme, the chief feature of which was the play of "Hamlet, Prince of Denmark," and together with it published the following card :

A Card. — The lessee respectfully states that the above announcement is made contingent to the approval of the Board of Directors of the Academy, to be determined at a special meeting this evening.

Now if words mean what they used to, the interpretation of the foregoing would seem to imply that the Directors intended reading Hamlet, and the other pieces named in the programme, and deciding thereafter whether they were sufficiently proper to be offered to the eminently holy of Brooklyn.

We should like to have been present at the meeting, and heard the discussion that was probably called forth on the occasion . We wonder whether the Directing brethren understood that Hamlet was Prince of Denmark and not of Darkness, and that SnaKSPEARE (Grant White's friend) is thought to have had a hand in the writing of it. We wonder whether in the reading parts were assigned those present, and if so, which of the accomplished judges person- ated Ophelia and the interesting grave-diggers. Again whose edition was used, and what disputes occurred apropos of the foot notes ? Had Hamlet been tabled would they have given attention to "Othello,'' The " Merry Wives," or "King Lear," or called instantly for " Joe Bros." " Edward J. Middleton, or the Drunkard saved," or say the Ledgery Romantic drama ? It is truly cheering to know that the^morals of Brooklyn are in such excellent keep- ing, and the shade of Shakespeare is to be congratulated when a board of self-appointed critics undertake to argue the fitness of the creation of his genius, as they would test the qualities of sugar, guano or tobacco. White on Shakespeare was rather hard, but what was he to Chittenden ? What next will arise to give notoriety to the Devoted Tribe of the House of Music and Drama, Brooklyn' Long Island, N. Y., U. S., N. A. ? Eh ? What next. ?

OUR BOOK REVIEW.

Grimm's Popular Tales. First and Second Series, 2 Vols. Bos- ton : Crosby & Nichols.

In these moving times, when people are but too much inclined to display the brow of perplexed thought when it would be better for them to look a little lively, it is good to get a smile, now and then. This, Messrs. Crosby & Nichols, of Boston, have kindly provided for their friends, in their handsome edition of Grimm's famous "German Tales." Depend upon it, that there is many a smile, albeit a Grimm one, lurking between the leaves of these volumes, which are adorned with clever illustrations by Wehnert and others.

Lessons in Life. By Timothy Titcomb. 1 Vol. New York : C. Scribner.

Moie of the sweet than of the bitter, in this thoughtfully written book from the pen of the author of " Bitter Sweet." Some critics have impeached Dr. Holland for milk and water, but we, with a perspicacity peculiar to us, can see that there is a good deal of Spirit in Holland's productions. No allusion to Hollands Gin.

■ — ^

IMPOSSIBILITIES OF THE FANCY DRESS BALL.

Why will people undertake, when going to Fancy Dress parties, to represent such impossible characters as "Morning," " Evening," "Sunbeam," "Rainbow" and so on? What makes them think that they can look like a time of day or a set of prismatic colors ? Not long since we read of a lady who filled the character of The " Evening News," a journal published in the town where the cir- cumstance occurred, and the thought immediately struck us that after that we may expect to see our ball rooms thronged with "Christmas Day,'' " Fourth of July," " All Fool's Day," "A pic- nic in New Jersey," "Orange County Milk," "Thunder and Light- ning," and possibly a " Heavy Snow Storm" and the " Burning of Charleston. All of which would be interesting and quite novel.

Suppose we try it. .,

-»_

The " Berdan" of our Song.

Sir E. Bulwer Lytton says that Democracy is the only True Leveller.

Yes, Sir E ! and that's the reason why America produces so many first-rate marksmen.

»

From our Night Editor-

" I don't see the thimj in that Light" — as the Owl said when the Mouse ran into the Lantern.

12

VANITY FAIE.

[JANUAKY 4. 1862.

HARDEE MADE EASY.

EW Year brings with it a century of new inventions in the destructive missile way, each appearing more tastefully adapted than the other, for a souvenir of the season. What could be neater for a lady's work- table than one of those miniature seven-bar relied pistols, with their elegant silver and blue steel mount- ings, now to be seen in the show- cases of the hard- ware merchants ? Nothing, indeed, unless it were one of the delicious pearl-handled daggers that grace he same repositories — aesthetic weapons such as a Koman mother might pronounce perfect for the dispatch of business. "Toy not with my affections !" cried a hazel-eyed Amazon with burnt-sienna hair, to whom we lately presented a specimen of each of these toys. We left her presence and the neighborhood.

Looking from our window down upon the back yard of our next- door neighbor, we discerned through the grey mist of morn a brass cannon about fourteen feet long, mounted upon a carriage with wheels at least eight feet high. Rushing out, we called hastily for the proprietor of that messuage or dwelling-house, and were in- formed that he had just gone away with a clam wagon to the arsenal, for seven or eight hundred pounds of powder to load the dreadul engine with. It was a New Year's gift to him from a dear friend in the trade. We have changed our lodgings.

Our new chambers are elegant, and the house has a tendency to variety. If we say that every day, and most of the nights are checkered like a draught board, we merely limit ourselves to fact. The young man with the pistols, in the room below, has fitted up his fire-place for a target, and now it is more a fire-place than ever, for he assiduously blazes away at it from dawn until dusk. The young man with the swords occupies the room immediately over ours. He is of industrious habits, and six hours a day of the sword dance must qualify him, ere many months, for an exhibition of that charming performance in public. The young man with the torpedo, or infernal machine, has been removed by the land- lady into the basement, as she " guesses she sees herself a sweeping powder and things from off of the stairs three or four times a day after him." The young man with the Irish accent, and pike, has fitted up a stuffed Saxon oppressor with old clothes and straw, and is " giving it to him" with great vigor as we write. The young man with the tomahawk plants it now, with great precision, in the centre of our door, from the end of a long gallery, nine times out of ten. The young man with the crutch has had a sword blade inserted in that aid to the understanding, and is writing a tract about raising an army of cripples. The young man with the lance bestrides an imaginary war-steed, and is practising cavalry tactics through the house at large.

There are several other young men in the house, all suffering under tne infliction of Christmas or New Year's gifts of the kind indicated above ; but we will not enumerate them at present.

Southern Sentiment-

The Richmond Enquirer, talking about the " Yankee prisoners of war" in that city, and their destitute condition, says that the Federal government should have made it a binding duty to clothe these soldiers.

To our somewhat practical Northern mind it appears that, if the poor fellows only get the clothing, they won't be very particular as to the Binding.

Pepper Sauce.

The Times, in a review of the Herald's " Personal" advertise- ments, calls that virtuous journal a "spicy paper."

On consideration of the matter, we conclude that the spice of the Herald must consist chiefly of Cloves, because the Cloven foot is seen sticking out very often, and the proprietor of it boasts that he lives in Clover.

CABINET CONVERSATION PIECES. No. 2.

Scene. — The Cabinet at Washington.

Present. — T%e President and Members of the Cabinet, in extraor- dinary session. Reporter of Vanity Fair seated in a velvet chair at a satin-wood table, with a six-inch Regalia between his teeth.

President. — Bully for you ' Cameron ; I hope your Christmas dinner agreed with you.

Sec. of War. — It did, sir, thank you. I wish all my colleagues may never agree with me worse than it did. How much better a tonic than anybody's bitters in the consciousness of a successful result. Seen the soldiers is their sky blue things, yet ?

President. — Yes, sir : and things are looking bluer than ever with them. Why did you discard the dark blue pants ?

Sec. of War. — Saved you three-quarters of a million of dollars in the cost of indigo, by the change, that's all.

President. — We ought to grow our own indigo, by-the-bye : from its very name it should be Indigenous. But what about this news from Canada? The papers from Quebec say — " we are expecting the Transports every hour. ' '

Sec. of War. — Expecting the Transports ! expecting Fits from us !

President. — That's about the size of it. But nothing will come of it, this time, we had better believe. Ex Nilo Nil Fit, as the great Napoleon said in his queer Corsican French, when he slashed his way through the cavalry of the swift and wily foeman at the Battle of the Nile.

Sec. of State. — You preserve your history with great exactness, sir. I have observed that memory is bountifully bestowed by Nature upon the Western kind of man.

President. — Thank you, sir : but we have our Star in the East, or perhaps N. E. by N., too, and the first letter of his name is Bill Seward.

Sec. of State. — That is handsome, indeed. I hope the Reporter for Vanity Fair is taking a note of that.

Reporter. — 0 ! ain't I, just !

President. — Let us camp down a little about this English ques- tion, now. How does the ice look, this morning ? — Dangerous ?

Sec. of Navy. — Air-holes around, I guess. Keep the outside edge, though, and skate slick around 'em, so nobody will fall through.

President. — You did not quite take my joke, sir : when I made use of the word Ice, it was with direct reference to the Slidell business.

Sec. of Treasury. — I see it, though ! — I used to slide, myself, when a boy, and think it firse-rate for the Chest. There's nothing slouchy about my Chest : not much !

President. — But the talk is, how the British Lion roars. Gentle- men, I know a man, a Western man, at that, who can roar the British animal's head off, and is ready to begin at a short notice. We must keep plenty of roar on hand. Families are invited to send in their orders.

Sec. of the Interior. — This is very interesting ; this is pure Saxon.

President. — Gentlemen, 1 know something about Lions, I do, Once, as I was coming down the Huckymucky river on a raft, a huge Hon came to the edge to drink— a reg- ular socdologer, I tell you, mostly all mane and roar. When he spied me out in the river, he made a lunge right onto the green-scummed, rily water, thinking it was a pleasant, mossy field, and me a victim awaiting him on a platform in the middle of it. Well, I guess you ought have seen him when he came up, and how small and dirty he looked with his mane all slicked close down as he loped away into the woods. "Hooray!" cried I, hollering after him as he'ian, " that comes of folks treading upon delicate ground !"

Sec. of State. — That is the best lion story I ever heard. It takes the spots off Androcles' Lion.

President. — I was not acquainted with Andrew Clay, sir, and am glad you do not compare his lion to mine.

Sec. of Navy. — Will the Executive be so good as to inform us whether any communication on the subject of that Trent business has been made to him by General Scott ?

President. — I have had communication with the General, sir : I said to him ' ' How are you General Scott ?" Your Stone Fleet did some execution at Charleston, Mr. Welles, but might have done more. Who left Maffit's Channel open — eh ?

Sec. of Navy. — I thought we were sitting on the Trent difficulty. What does Lord Lyons mean by importing a ship-load of tele- graphic cypher from England ? Is all correspondence about the Trent difficulty to be carried on in telegraphic cypher ?

President. — You are mixing matters up, sir : Lord Lyons with mere Cypher, and both with General Scott. I think we had better adjourn.

JAMIJARY 4, 1862.1

V^AJNTITY FAIE.

THE PRESENT AND THE FUTURE.

ISIONS have been very good to us, lately. On Thursday last, the 26th of De- cember, we were present, by invi- tation, at the im- pressive cere- mony of laying the corner-stone of a new Court House in the old Park. Poor new Court House! with all its Trials before it, like every infantile thing newly ushered into this vale of tears. Full details have been given by the daily papers of this interest- ing event, with one exception as to a detail : they forgot to men- tion that the mortar used upon the occa- sion was made by Mr. Dennis Murtigan. Honor to whom honor is due.

But about the visions, which were those of a remote future; and they arose before our mind's vision, just as about a bushel and a half of New York journals, various, were shot down into their sepulchre under the great stone, as a caution to future generations. First, we saw the manifest destiny of the edifice, as it must appear after an indefinite lapse of centuries and of its building materials ; and very severe it looked in its ruin, preserving an outline of great respectability in the form of its fall.

The next vision that appeared to us was that of a very fine looking specimen of the future New York rowdy, who stood by the ruins with his consort — a charming sample of the futurity that looms for that progressing class. They were watching some elegant future New-Yorko-Hibernians, who were occupied in pry- ing up the great old corner stone, and into the ancient newspapers revealed to them as they moved it from its position .

" How much we have to be thankful for, my love," said the mild New York rowdy of the future, as, after having hastily skimmed over the vituperative departments of three or four of the papers, which happened to be the leading City dailies of the pres- ent day, he threw them from him in disgust. " How dreadful a lot life must have been in an age when the dandlers of the Public Baby made use of such language to one another as these journals contain."

" That's so, dearest," replied his consort, with a witching smile ; "but, better than that — how jolly for us that we live during the venerable, honored, and beautiful middle-age of this dear old fel- low here."

And so saying, she drew the last number of Vanity Fair for the year 18G1 from the heap, and, folding it carefully up, and placing it in her bosom, led her husband joyously away with the sweetest abandon.

And then the last vision loomed before us. It was the ghost of the Senior Editor of the Iribune, tearing wildly upon a weird hobby-horse around the ruins of his journal.

The only true Lever by whioh John Bull can ever hops to raise the blockade for his Rebel Conlederacy. Leave her to her fate.

No Winter, yet.

Our General Summary.

PENDLETON.

Vanity Fair is averse to what Mr. Carlyle has designate the Spouting-Wretch." That is why it objects to Pendleton, A. C. from Ohio. Pendleton spouts with a fluency and vigor seldom equalled, except, perhaps, by Bahnum's White Whale. He gave the House a specimen of his power in this line one day, lately. It was on the question — raised by Pendleton himself — of the suspen- sion of the writ of habeas corpus. Pendleton declared that Con- gress alone has the power of suspending that privilege. Pendleton thought it was very wicked and tyrannical in the President to take upon himself the responsibility of such an act. Pendleton took up a great deal of valuable time in venting his views on this subject. His speech fills two closely printed columns in the daily papers. Pendleton ought to be ashamed of himself on this account alone, but we don't suppose he is. For in his speech, he manifests a cheek incapable of blushing. Just listen to his argument :

The President, according to Pendleton, suspended the writ of habeas corpus from motives of ambition, from a desire to do away with this Kepublic and set up in its stead a Monarchy of which he • — the President, not Pendleton — should be chief ruler. Lincoln et imperator was the President's idea, according to this worthy con- gressman. The schemes of the would-be Emperor are laid bare with a ruthless hand by the gentleman from Ohio. He assures us that if the President is allowed to go on in this way :

"The public mind will become degraded, the people on every fresh occasion for the exercise of this power will yield still a little more to these encroach, ments, till the public will will be destroyed, the public intellect warp"d, the national character tarnished, and*tha national life of liberty and independence overthrown. They will become the plaything of every tyrant, and each suc- cessive invasion of their rights will tamely submitted to until all appreciation of independence and rights and freedom is forever lost."

After this precious piece of " blubber" the Spouter gives us still another wail. He sorrows because seditious persons have been put in Fort Lafayette and says with a snivel :

" Newspapers have been suspended, and the whole power of the government despotically exercised without a public murmur."

Had Pendleton any interest in the Daily News, we wonder ? The above fragment sounds extraordinarily like an extract from " Brother Ben's Valedictory."

Having made the picture of our subjugation as dismal as he can conveniently, Pendleton proceeds to cheer us with the statement that it will ever be thus, that we shall never cease to bow our necks beneath the yoke of the despot and that the bonds of oppression shall be stricken from our limbs only at the end of time.

This is indeed melancholy !

Totally ignorant, apparently, of the fact that in "this yere" country the state means the Republic and not its rulers, Pendleton favors us with the following :

"No free nation ought ever listen for a moment to the argument of state necessity. The history of those people who have been so deceived is written in the wreck of free institutions. It is marked with wrongs, with high hopes destroyed, and noble aspirations violated and trampled upon. If we look over the pathway of desolation thus exposed to view, we may easily imagine that we see the spirit of American independence and American freedom hovering over this day, tearfully praying it, too, may not be added to the long list of victims immolated on the altar of state necessity."

This "state necessity" is Pendleton's bugbear. It seems to worrit him. Possibly it keeps him awake nights. At all events he wants it stopped. Stopped " speeedily." Stopped "now.', If it isn't he says :

"Ere long comes the mandate to surrender to military power. An imperia throne rises on the ruins of an overthrown republic ; oaths are violated, liberties swept away ; rights trampled on, and a nation is prostrated in the dust."

It strikes us that we have had something very like this, before. Not only in the valedictory of that loyal and upright gentleman, Hon. Benjamin Wood, but in the Proclamation and Messages of Jeff. Davis, Gov. Pickens et id genus omne. The latter, we remem- ber,, were particularly cantankerous in their remarks on Mr. Lin- coln for the same reasons that Mr. Pendleton advances. Went so far, we believe, as to call him " a bloated despot." The fact of the suspension of the writ of habeas corpus they hailed as the har- binger of our ruin. They thereupon cavorted, polemically, in token of their joy. Mr. Pendleton doesn't cavort exactly, but in every other respect he imitates the speech of the rebel leaders. Is Mr. Pendleton troubled in the Breckinridge way, for instance f

We confess we are very much surprised that this worthy gentle- man from Ohio should get himself into such a perspiration, as we^ as lay himself open to the charge of being a sympathizer \vithtn

14

V^lISTITY F^lIR.

[JANUARY 4, 1862.

rebels, when we find him in another part of his speech making this admission :

"The Constitution provides that the writ of habeas corpus shall never be sus- pended except in cases of rebellion or invasion, or under circumstances'when the public safety demands it."

and adding :

" Who shall suspend it? That is the question."

This is indeed ridiculous !

Pendleton, after declaring that, if the writ of habeas corpus is ouspended, we shall all wear the tyrant's chain, finally concedes that the Constitution provides for such suspension in times like the present, and acknowledges that the only question is, who shall do the business ?

So it appears that this aerated person from Ohio is only huffy because the President "took time by the hair," (as L. Kossuth, Esq., once eloquently remarked,) and suspended the writ before the assembling of Congress !

We are glad to record here that Pendleton's colleague, Mr. Bingham, administered to him a deserved rebuke, and that the House smashed P. irretrievably by a vote of 108 against 26. Pendleton had better spend his evenings in future with Dame Saulsburt (Del.) of the Senate. If the old ladies are disposed to be bacchic we can recommend flax-seed tea as an exhilarating beverage to persons of their order of mind.

A SERIOUS WORD TO EARL, RUSSELL, FROM VANITY FAIR.

My Lord. — We have a habit you are not much accustomed to, of straight talk, and honest dealing ; so you need not be amazed, if we speak very plainly in this despatch.

You have all your life been a place-seeker, or a place-holder. To get power and money, you have always turned your back on your friends, and let your Reform Measures go to the dogs. When- ever you have been an "out," and any American Question came up, you were a warm advocate of our Republic. When you were an " in," you changed your tone. When Liberty was at stake in a foreign nation, or at home, you have been its noisest champion — if an "out." If an "in" you have done your best to crush it in Ireland, Hungary, D.aly, Spain and Poland. It was with a pang, that you saw even old Greece become free. For half a century, if an "out," you have brawled for Freedom and Free Governments ; if an " in" you have resorted to the very last trick to keep there. You have, if an "out," always paraded your friendship for the United States, and virulently assailed any Tory or Conservative ministry. "In," again, you first veered, then hesitated, then tacked, and then attacked us, our Government, and all American things. You know our Republic had never had any fair play from any ministry except the Tories or Conservatives. All Americans involuntarily say of British politicians of your stripe.—" Save us from our friends and we will take care of our enemies." But you have reserved the meanest and most bare-faced tergiversation of your public life, till you were pressing the verge of your mortal exist- ence. After pointing a thousand times with exultation to our great and prosperous Nation, and deploring the two wars England waged against us, you are now gloating over the prospect (as you deem it) of our speedy disruption and downfall. After hobnobbing with every abolitionist and feteing every run-away American negro who managed to reach England, and imploring Britons no longer to use slave-grown cotton and sugar — you now take sides with the " nigger-driving" secessionists of the Rebel States, who are trying to break down freedom in America, and extend the area of that accursed institution, and sanctify the revival of the African slave- trade. You are threatening war against the United States unless we will surrender two intercepted traitors, on their way to your abolition arms and sympathies, the chiefest emissaries which the slavery you have always pretended to hate, could send to'your shores!

Oh ! John Russell ! how unworthy is all this of the descendant of your great ancestor, who sealed with his blood on the scaffold his life-long devotion to the cause of justice, and human freedom. Why must you, just as you are ending your career, rob your proud name of that ancient halo which gathered around it, by expending your last efforts in trying to blot out free Government, for which the Founder of your race so nobly died, and perpetuating on our virgin soil African Slavery ? which the world is clamoring to see blotted out ?

My Lord, do you plead that the necessity of slave-grown cotton, ' calls for so dastardly a betrayal by yourself of all the souvenirs of your life ? and will you, to accomplish this purpose, trample on all the canons of International law and become public robbers and go and steal this cotton ? If you attempt it would you succeed ?

How much cotton would you get before your ministry went down ? Before you lost a market for your commerce with 23.000.000 free- men ? Before our bread stuffs, which are now keeping the wolf away from British doors, would reach your shores ? Before bread riots would occur throughout the British Islands which would make you turn pale ? Before all seas would swarm with our privateers — now twenty fold more numerous than in 1812, when you found them too fleet and two strong for you ? Before you encountered in addition to 2 000.000 of our native soldiers and sailors, half a mil- lion of adopted citizens — able bodied men, formerly British Subjects and burning to avenge the wrongs of centuries inflicted on their devoted island ?

My Lord, do you plead that the exigencies of statesmanship demand that you should turn the arms of the earth against you ? Do you suppose that Napoleon would lose such a chance, for avenging Waterloo? or Russia for taking Constantinople? or all despotisms for crushing your supremacy, or all the Peoples of Europe for crushing monarchy ?

It would seem that England should be willing, at least, to let us manage our domestic affairs, since she has incurred a quarter of her National Debet in interfering with them. That she should not now take to her arms " the foul corpse of African Slavery on our soil," when it cost her five hundred million dollars to get rid of it in her own territories ! Should not the Founder of Modern Liberty be glad to see how prosperously the brood of her young eagles had founded an empire-home in the New World's forests, and not writhe, and chafe, and bark at and hawk at our nest, till she could come here and tear it to pieces ?

The time had gone by, we hoped when England our own mother would try to become our step-mother ! Why could she not have been proud in the pride of her daughter, and let her wear the jewels she had herself so nobly won ? And yet malicious people say that England acts like some old dame, who, after parting with the title to a daughter's estate, feels that she has still some reserved right left, to interfere in what no longer concerns her ; and casts now and then an envious glance at beauty yet unshriv- elled, and conquests forever beyond her reach.

Can it be my Lord, that such unworthy feelings as these can now enter your heart as an English Statesman ? We cannot be- lieve it. Can you desire to put one more great trouble on the heart of your beloved, widowed queen ? We cannot believe it.

My Lord ! You should be engaged in doing some good to the people of your own empire, rather than m trying to hurt a great, a kindred and a friendly Nation. After attempting so long to be a statesman, do not finish by being only a ministerial bully.

ffottiijj guv.

The Southern Turf."

With the above heading, the Herald gives an article from the New Orleans Picayune, on the subject of races lately got up under the auspices of the " Metairie Jockey Club."

Now, our opinion with regard to the Southern Turf is this ; that if the great Rebel Race could be run under instead of on the Southern Turf, or any other turf, it would.be something for the newspapers to notice in a cheerful obituary.

A Port always open to John Bull.

Among items of news from Europe, we find it stated that :

" Portugal inclines towards England, as was to be expected."

Of course it was. Anybody who has ever observed the fine fruity complexion of John Bull's nose, must be easily persuaded to believe that Portugal " inclines" toward that vinous old person ■ — " and a market."

Acrobatic.

Regretting the approaching departure of Mr. William Hanlon, a City paper alludes to a blighted hope that the daring young athletic would have remained " stationary" among us.

Under all the circumstances, would not " Zampilla?rostationary" have been a neater word?

What Plant should be worn as an emblem on New Year's Day ? Any one of the Multicaules.

British Colors.

A Neutral Tint.

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When the Cavours, the Douglasses and Prince Albert's die in their prime, be sure.it was not want of fatality, but the want of correct principles of Medical practice. In each of these cases a few doses of Brandreth's Pills, would infallibly have cured the patient, Yes, I say infallibly, and I know what I am saying, and can produce evidence to establish what I assert.

Often in youth, just as we suppose ourselves fitted to fill some position of honor and profit, we find ourselves attacked by a supposed incurable disease. Such was the case of a young man whose remarkable, cure deserves more than a passing notice. He had entered upon professional duties, when he found his energies neutralized by a continual

Gnawing, Dragging, Dull, Heavy Pain in his Left Side.

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A Cure of Pain in the Right Side.

Dr. B. Brandreth.

Dear Sir, — Out of respect to you for your Pills, and above all, for the good of mankind, I send you this short notice of my case. I suffered for two years with a severe pain in my right side, which was declared to proceed from the liver by two celebrated physicians of this city, whose remedies I used, but without effect. Finding myself constantly growing worse, I was advised to take your Vegetable Universal Pills, which immediately relieved me. But after having taken them for two weeks, I felt one of my old attacks. I then consulted you, as you well remember, and you ordered me to bed, and to take four Pills every two hours until the pain should entirely cease ; which I believe was most excellent advice, for I could scarcely breathe or endure the least movement of my body, so acute was the pain. After the first dose of the Pills, the pain grew worse; then I took seven Pills, and continued taking them in doses of seven, until I had taken thirty- five, when I felt a sharp pain as if a hot iron passed through my side, and soon after I passed a kind of fleshy substance, in appearance, when I felt relieved, though the pain did not entirely cease for a week. I am now perfectly cured, and enjoying the best of health, being wholly a new man, able to breathe and walk about as well as ever.

I remain, sir, your most thankful BENJ. EVANS,

172 Broome Street, New York.

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Limbs are removed with great skill

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Dr. Brandreth. New York, July 8, 1857.

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Brandreth's Pills and Simple Maladies.

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While you are in pain, have debility or in any way not in possessionof health, USE BRANDRETH'S PILLS. They will restore you, because they have affinity for the

Subject Matter of Disease.

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19

KANTANQUERO DE BOOM-J ING-JIM ;

— OR —

THE WRATH OF THE REBEL RIVAL.

A ROMANCE OF THE WAR. By McArone.

CHAPTER V.

At the close of the last chapter, Peter was about to receive his discharge from a large and vindictive cannon. The gunner, as we there stated, applied the match to the priming, but we neglected to mention the fact that he forgot to light it first ... a fact that must have made a very great difference in Peter's condition.

" You haven't lit your match, you old bloke !'' exclaimed one of the soldiers to the gunner.

"Sure 'nough," replied that worthy. "Bill, go fetch some fire."

Fortunately for Peter, Bill was absent some time, and before he returned, Polk reeled along that way.

" Wass a-doin' ?" he enquired, rather indistinctly. " Goin' to blow up a Yankee spy, General," said the gunner. "Damspy ! Giv'm' thunder 1"

"General!" squeaked Peter, "it's me! Don't go back on a feller !" " 0 ! Pe-ee-eeter ! Zat you ? whadev'l doin' there ?" Peter hastened to expiain, and the General immediately had him set at liberty, The boys were thus chiseled out of their fun ... or would have been, if they hadn't caught a blind nigger who hap- pened to be passing, and who answered very well for shooting pur- poses.

" Like to'ncourage boys 'nbein' frisky," remarked the Reverend General ; " makes 'em-makem-makem-plucky !"

While all this was transpiring in the stronghold of the Rebels. Don Rantanquero de Boom-jing-jing was busy at Richmond, in his camp there, laying plans for the further prosecution of the cam- paign. He was greatly troubled by the swarm of negroes that nocked to his quarters, mostly suffering for freedom and rum. Accordingly, he sent to the President for instructions as to how he should deal with them.

He received the following reply :

General-Colonel-Major-Captain-Lieutenant-Sergeant de Boom- jing-jing • — The subjoined extract from the President's late Message provides for the difficulties of which you complain. Simeron.

Sec. War Dep. [Extract]. — "All persons in disloyal States, which is held to service, or otherwise, by others, will not be held, by such, to any service except where such others is not residents of loyal States. Therefore, all such persons, not hitherto otherwise held, shall be considered subject to the above decision, and dealt with according." War Department j w- g>

Washington, Dec. — th. j &* <&* The Don read this through carefully, and gave orders to his pickets to shoot all niggers who tried to enter the lines. He had no further trouble with them.

As he was busy, most of the time, he had little opportunity to know what was going on in camp, and the soldiers, knowing he would be mad, concealed from him the escape of Peter for a long time.

Glorianna remained in Washington, the idolized belle of the salons. She had been much worried about Peter, and afraid of him ; but now that she imagined him safely locked in the donjon- keep of her husband' 8 guard-tent, she felt secure, and got quite fleshy.

One night, when the rain-laden tempest whirled and howled about the old baronial hall with fearful fierceness, and the keen lightning cut the ebon night in twain, with following thunders like the wreck of matter, the crash of worlds or Mr. N. B. Clarke's stage-gong, that he used to pound so savagely at Nixon's in the final tableaux, when the red fire was to be lighted . . . one night, we repeat, when it was very stormy, Glorianna, snuggled peace- fully down in bed, dreamed of her gay and gallant lord, far off in vile Virginia, fighting the battles of his own his native land.

Suddenly a dark form appeared at the window, with an um- brella . . . A streak of lightning revealed this form and awoke Glorianna. " Who's there ?'' gasped she.

" 'Tis I !" said Peter, springing into the chamber, followed by forty horsemen, all clad in complete armor.

" A vaunt!" shrieked the terrifieil girl, realizing the impropriety of the intrusion ; " avaunt, base sleuth-hound and vassal ! 1 hate thee ! I loathe thee ! I ... ha ! ha ! ha!"

Her reason tottered upon its throne.

Mrs. de Boom-jing-jing," said Peter sternly, " calm yourself. Frown not upon me, and all will be well. I come to bear you to the sunny scenes of the seceshed South. Don't you want to go f"

The light of intelligence faded from her eyes. She laughed a wild incoherent grin.

" No, no, no ;" sighed she, "a high-heeled rocking-chair went up the sun for me. 'How now?' says the left-handed meat-saw. The mat has worn ankle-jacks too long. Give bail !"

" This is bad," said Peter ; " but it can't be helped, now. I s'pose she's crazy. Let's kerry her off before she makes a row. Lady," continued he, " but smile as thou wert wont to smile. What thongh I seem no carpet-knight, I do assure you that I like you much. Then come with me to Savannah, or Mobile. I'll make a lady of you !"

" No, no, no," sighed she ; " the boiled ghost cured my lover, and down he sat, on iron pyrites and soap. Will nothing do? Nothing, save a little number four grind-stone, with^ragged edges to beat off the almonds ."

" She's putty derned crazy," remarked one of Peter's horsemen.

" She are," said Peter.

" Now let me tell you, Colonel," continued Glorianna, softly and pensively ; " he died of scarlet measles, and the square-toed pip.

' She loved him well, ah welladay,

And he was fair to see ; So they were wed one morn in May,

With their chip chow, cherry chow ; fol de riddle dee !'

When the patient was buried, they all asked him how he felt. ' Bully, thank you !' says the pigeon-hawk. What will you, merry gentlemen ?"

"This is indeed melancholy," said Peter ; "and ef the Don knowed it, he'd give me the awfullest whalin' you ever see !"

" Hadn't we better leave, on the quiet, you know?" asked one of the soldiery ; " mebbe the husband might take the law of us."

" Slave ! be still !" cried Peter, nerving himself up and taking a chaw of tobacco ; " seize her, and bear her away ! Follow me ! To falter is to fail !"

So the once brilliant and well-educated Glorianna, now crazy as a coot, was borne out of the window, down a rope-ladder, and carried to a flat-boat on the Potomac. The sails were spread, the anchor was hoisted, and the gallant bark danced joyously athwart

20

VAJSTTY FAIK.

[JANUARY 11, 1862.

HUMORS

WAR.

When the order is given, each man will feel his neighbor with his elbow."

Hardee's Tactics.

Miraculous Escape. One of the New York pilot boats lately picked up, off Sandy Hook, an India-rubber bag containing, as we are told by the daily papers, " a large number of Heralds, Times, Tribunes, Suns and Worlds of December 27."

How the bag could have remained afloat, with such a lot of dead weight in it, was a puzzle to us, until, having made inquiries in the proper quarter, we ascertained that there was one copv of Vanity Fair in the assortment. To this circumstance, doubtless, the Happy Family above referred to owed its miraculous escape.

Spirit of the Day.

A correspondent of one of the Philadel- phia journals, speaking of New Year's Day, says : "The day was generally observed in the Spirit for which New York is famous."

This will be pleasing to the young Bour- bons now serving in our army.

A Black Joke.

It is stated that cotton is about to be cul - tivated extensively in the Sandwich Islands . If the negro is, indeed, a descendant from Ham, he ought now to find plenty of em- ployment among the Sandwichers.

Strange Coincidence.

It is a singular fact that Messrs. Mason and Slidell, whose mission to England was all Moonshine, left Fort Warren by Starlight.

What Spain took the spots off Mexico with.

Castile Soap.

the flashing brine, all unconscious of the weight of sin and sorrow that it bore.

The following Saturday night, Don Rantanquero paid off his soldiers, locked up his tent, and leaving the boy to put up the shutters, took the cars for Washington, ia order to pass Sunday with his wife, as was his custom .

Arriving at the old baronial hall, he found everything in confu- sion.

" My lord," murmured a terrified castellan, " indeed, my lord, 'tis notour fault . . . but my lady . . . the beautiful, s veet lady . . ."

" Dead ?" cried the unhappy husband, turning pale sea-green.

" No, my lord, not quite . . . not very . . . but gone !"

"Gone?"

" Aye, my lord . A rope-ladder was found leading to her window from the craggy steep below. She's probably run away with some person."

The Don quietly tore out two handfuls of hair, and felt better.

" Curse it," said he.

" She was unworthy of my lord," suggested the old retainer, " or she wouldn't have went and eloped."

" Too true," said de Boom-.jing-jing ; " yet I loved her more than passing well. Stay. Go to the apothecary on the corner, and get me three cents worth of lodlum. I will not face the pity of a scornful world."

" The derringer, my lord, is a very easy running instrument, and sanctioned by our courts, in such cases."

" I will not plagiarize," said the Don ; " haste to the drug-store, and get as much p'ison as you can, for the money."

The servant went, and soon came in with half-a-pint of the best fourth-proof laudanum.

"Now," said the Don, " I shall leave this groveling vale of tears. My soaring soul, untrammeled, shall malaxiste in more kindred spheres, forever hjdrofugenously to exploviate."

... He had a very good education, bad the Don.

" Good bye, my trusty vassal," remarked he . . .

The minion wept . . .

The Don lifted the poison chalice to the light . . .

" Learn, old man," said he, "how a de Boom-jing-jing can die !"

He drank.

Tn be continued.

"FAMILIES SUPPLLED."

A lady — of course— she calls herself Madame So and So, but we do not think it necessary to advertise her, issues the following notice in — of course, again — the columns of the Herald.

INFANTS TAKEN FOR ADOPTION— BEAUTIFUL MALE INFANTS NOW FOR adoption, etc. etc.

The above advertisement is very incomplete, leaving the reader quite in the dark as to terms. It would be important to know, for instance, whether " beautiful male infants" can be had on hire, like fancy-ball costumes, or whether it is necessary to buy them out and out, like calf dress-boots. Also, whether a discount is allowed to takers of a quantity, and whether the money will be returned if the article doesn't suit. In making these suggestions, we assume that the adoption of infants is simply a mercantile transaction, negotiated through the medium of baby-brokers. Our faith in human nature will not allow us to believe that Madame So and So keeps a baby-shop unless on some such principle as " small profits and quick returns ;" but we should like to know which party makes most money by the adoption business — Madame So and So, or the woman who sacrifices her maternal affections upon the altar of Cash Down. We suppose that the latter woman has the best of it, however, because maternal affection is a very scarce article in New York, and must command a gcod market price, ac- cordingly.

OUR BOOK REVIEW.

By W. H. G. Kingston.

Round the World : A Tale for Boys.

Boston : Crosby & Nichols.

A very neatly got up edition of a book seen sticking out of the carpet bag of old Santa Claus. The illustrations are excellently designed and engraved. Mr. Kingston is, par excellence, one of the Buoyant spirits of the day.

Liliesleaf. Boston : T. 0. H. P. Burniiam.

This book, which is a sequel to " Passages in the Life of Mrs. Margaret Maitland, of Sunnyside," has a North-of-Tweed charm about it which will be refreshing to all who suppose that Scotia's only music is the squeak of the bagpipes, — as well as to all who don't.

JANUARY 11, 1862.]

VANITY FAIR.

21

OUR SPICY WAR CORRESPONDENCE.

WE have engaged at an expense of One Thou- sand Dollars a column, the services of William H. Russell Esq., L.L. D. the famous cor- respondent of the London Times, who will occasion- a 1 1 y furnish us with some of his Thrill- ingNarratives from the seat of war. The

terms of agreement include a bran new horse from Disbrow's Riding Academy with equipments complete, for the purpose of enabling the gallant Reporter to anticipate events ; also, a basket of Green Seal Champagne per diem, a thousand cigars a month, and credit at Gauthier's restaurant. In view of this spirited un- dertaking on our part, we trust that the public will liberally sup- port our enterprise and subscribe to Vanity Fair, which will be the only paper in America containing original contributions from tbe Great Historian Of The War. VVc have the honor of presenting

the firet letter. . _,.»„.

Washington, D. U.

Dear V. F.— I write to you as Livy said " currente calamo." The fact is my engagements are so numerous, and I am so occupied with writing replies to the numerous invitations to lecture, which I am daily receiving, that I have to dash off my correspondence with a rapidity equal to that with which I crossed the Long Bridge on the occasion of the memorable Stampede of Bull Run.

Washington now presents a grand military spectacle. I he vast avenues that pierce the citv, are throns:ed with the brilliant uniforms of the staff and the homely blue of the private. Occasionally a hush comes over the crowd, and hats are doffed and caps are touched as McClellan dashes by on his favorite camel, followed by a gleaming cordon of officers mounted on dromedaries, bound on some mysterious mission to the army on the other side of the Potomac. This introduction of the camel, as a mode of military locomotion, is a late and daring innovation. The American officers, being entirely unacquainted with the art of horsemanship, have come to the reso- lution of employing an animal whose peculiarities of gait and equipment render their deficiencies in the art of equitation less apparent. The result is, that an oriental lustre is cast over the scene, recalling me to the banks of the Nile, to the buried Memphis, and the solemn isolated Thebes. .

It is generally supposed that the affair of the Trent is pacifically settled Nothing can be more erroneous. A vast conspiracy is on foot bred among the turbulent middle and lower classes of this country, and fostered by all the national malignity which is such a characteristic of this people. It has nothing less for its object than the seizing of the reins of government by the masses, the imme- diate confiscation of English property on, this continent, and an instant declaration of war against England. It is almost positive that John C. Heenan will be placed at the head of the government, so that America may be able at once to vent her old spite against the mother land, and wipe out the famous defeat at Farnborough. This conspiracy extends largely in the army, principally among the Massachusetts' and Irish regiments. The latter are peculiarly virulent, and as I am an Irishman by birth and perfectly familiar with my mother tongue, I am in a position to obtain the very best information " arcades ambo." 'Ihe command of the army will be given to that distinguished warrior Brigadier General Yates, whose services at the New York Arsenal certainly fit him for that elevated post, and Colonel Buss of the quartermaster's department in New York will bs assigned an important position. It may be urged against these distinguished soldiers, that they have never seen any service, but their large connection with the recruiting of volun- teer regiments of New York State, amply compensates for any want of campaigning experience. The old adage " Adeo in teneris con- suesceremultumesf is after all of no avail in great crises like the present. Opportunity, not education makes the man, and these quiescent soldiers may prove equal to the occasion.

General McClellan's recent illness favors the scheme of the

malcontents. In fact it is scarcely concealed in Washington that his malady is premeditated. There are some that do not scruple to hint at poison, and I have reason to know that at the last din- ner which he attended, one of President Davis's aid-de-camps was there, disguised as a waiter, and is supposed to have mingled with the young Commander-in-Chief's soup a deadly drug which is now doing its fatal work. In this country no one is safe. The wild and lawless character of the people is such that they will stop at nothing to accomplish their fiendish purposes, and even the enlightened representatives of a foreign press are not exempt from their attacks. It was only the other day that I myself had a nar- row escape from assassination by one of my colored servants, who I have since discovered was employed by James Gordon Bennett of the Herald to destroy me. I am surrounded by a network of spies and bravos, and so fearful am I of being poisoned that I never if possible dine at home, but take every advantage of the tables of my friends.

The condition of this country viewed from a military stand- point is truly deplorable. " Alta sedent civilis vulnera deztrce." There is an utter incompetency displayed in the machinery of the various regiments and brigades. I have attended many of the drills, both of regiments and divisions, and after the large expe- rience which I had in the Crimea— whatever English officers may say about my having been a nuisance — I think I may without pre- sumption offer the prediction that the Northern army will be utterly routed unless it is conducted more on the English system . I would strongly advise that the present company and regimental commanders be displaced, and their places supplied by English officers out of employment, a number of whom are at present to be found in this country. The deficiencies might be made up by French officers similarly situated and equally plenty, all of whom, without exception, have been decorated with the legion of honor, and served with distinction in Algeria and the Crimea. The fact is that the Northern States are not self-supporting. They are depend- ent on Europe for their commerce, their arms, and their tactics. They have never originated anything unless it was the reaping and sowing'machines, steam, the telegraph, and a few such trifles : once cut from their vital connection with England they would fall into a state of atrophy and pine away to a skeleton, vast as that of the Mastodon, but as bare and useless. While this judgment over- takes this arrogant and uneducated land, Icannot refrain from pity at the spectacle. In the words of the poet, — ''Homo sum; liumani nihil a me aliemtm puto."

W. H. R.

TO PREVENT A CONTINGENCY.

One of our younger contributors is in high dudgeon. He wants to see an immediate advance of the Federal forces somewhere, because he has a large lot of excellent gags prepared expressly for use when our army again marches Southward. After patiently waiting four months, he begins to feel disgusted and offers to sub- mit his conundrums without further delay, whether McClellan moves or tarries. In view of the emergency, and in order to spare as much as possible the feelirigs of our readers and of the public at large, we earnestly implore the General in Chief to make a stir at once. It would be painful for us to have to publish our esteemed attaches brilliant Mots (and perhaps Lies) before the the things upon which they are supposed to be founded shall have come to pass. For instance, against the taking of Richmond he has no less than five one-line jokes, six witty paragraphs, three first class conundrums, one second class ditto, and a slate full of timely and patriotic gasrs In the event of our success at Mobile, New Orleans and Nashville, there are even greater quantities of humor to be let loose. So procrastination on the part of the gov- ernment is not only in the present case the thief of time, but of many a hearty laugh at the expense of our enemies, as well We hope that the army will relieve us from our embarrassment. Delays are dangerous— what can be done to-day ought not to be put off until to-morrow — time is money — take care of the mo- ments and the hours will take care of themselves, say the juvenile tomes, and the advice is endorsel by all lady school-teachers of ability. Therefore let us pocket a few Southern cities and inter- fere a little with rebel prosperity.

N. B.— Our contributor's mind will surely crumble to pieces, should his copy he repressed five days longer.

Good for Sharpening Swords. Our European Files, oi late.

VANITY F^lIR.

[JANUARY 11, 1862.

Cruel Capiat

HUMORS OF THE WAR. -"Here, you Sir! crawl right into that gun and sweep it out.

Providence and Privateers.

It is widely stated that at Nassau, New Providence, which is a British Colony, "Re- bel privateers are given every facility to coal, repair, and refit, while not as much as a Union gunboat is admitted inside the har- bor."

With reference to this, we have always understood that pirates trust greatly in a supposed special Providence that watches favorably over them. New Providence, must be that particular Providence, we snspect— at least we hardly think that Old Providence has any favorable intentions towards Rebel privateers.

Inverted Justice.

Among camp items, we find it stated that a Provost Marshal in McCall's division, having detected a sutler in the act of con- cealing liquors for the use of soldiers, caused " the liquors to be destroyed, and the sutler punished."

That doesn't come up to our notion of how things ought to be doue. We think it would have been better had " the liquors been punished, and the sutler destroyed."

Our Idea.

The Christian^ Alliance, we see, is playing a heavy star engagement at Barnum's Museum on the off nights, Sundays.

V. F., with all respect, suggests the in- troduction of the " Great Behemoth of the Scriptures," as one of the dramatis personce.

Herrmann's Incantation. Nicks, cum arouse !

THE WORLD'S FAIR, OF 1862.

Heavy though the troubles lie upon our land, we learn, with satisfaction, that the United States are not to be unrepresented at the great International Exhibition to be held in London early next summer. On the contrary, active preparations are now in progress, with the view of displaying to admiring worlds an assorted variety of the most lovely and interesting products of our country. We are not as yet aware what arrangements have been made for the selection aod transmission of the first and best of these articles, American Woman. On that subject a select Committee is at pres- ent sitting, or, rather, walking, in Broadway, and the result of its investigations is to be made known upon Sr. Valentine's Day, between seven and eight o'clock in the morning, that being the day and hour when the little birds begin to sing and select their partners for the next season, as everybody knows wno has perused the romantic pages of Shakespeare, or dipped into the researches of Audubon. Independently of this great attraction — which will certainly be acknowledged by all as the fairest of the Fair — there will be numerous articles of American ingenuity and industry on hand, many of them calculated to excite The envy of the British mind. Some of these articles will admonish the British public; others will astonish them. The Pulpit, the Bar, the Press, and the professions generally, will contribute to this interesting collec- tion such things of beauty in their possession, respectively, as will be likely to become joys forever when properly secured by patent or otherwise, according to circumstances. Suggestive items of the war in which we are at present engaged will find their place there. They will be very numerous and striking.

Our present information upon this subject is too slender to admit of our giving more than three or four examples of the proposing exhibitors and their productions. Here are a few of them.

The Senior Editor of the Herald will exhibit a very ancient Lyre. This instrument is lavishly inlaid with gold, but its Tone is very bad.

The Rev. Henry Ward Beecher sends a patent trap. It is of the kind known as clap-trap, and is baited by putting money on a re- volving plate.

The Federal Government has already forwarded its contribution-

in the shape of a pair of Southern Turkey Buzzards, known, gen- erally, as Mason and Slidell.

The Secretary of War will furnish a model Sutler, who is a Col- onel in the army, a U. S. Marshal, a Detective Policeman, a Con- tractor for boots, butter, blankets and beef, and a consistent mem- ber of the Church.

We shall employ a special reporter to obtain such further infor- mation as may be interesting to our readers, on the subject of America's contributions to tne World's Fair of 1862.

THE COCKNEY ON FLAGS.

There is no more consistent abolitionist than the genuine beery bloaty, puffy London Cockney. His tears for the wrongs of the African are large ; and the echoes of Exeter Hall know, to their cost, what it is to give back his tumultuous demonstrations in that building, when African rights are strenuously advocated. On this account, it is a pity that the Cockney is condemned to such perpet- ual darkness on the subject of America, the country in which the great negro first became important. Cockney, for instance, has no notion under which flag, the Federal or Confederate, Darkey be- comes a man and a brother. Only the other day, Cockney went with a policeman, and caused the Stars and Stripes that floated gaily, theretofore, from the office of the London American, in Fleet street, to be hauled down. From a building in the Strand flaunted at the same time, and for all we know, may flaunt yet, the rebel Stars and Bars, apparently bringing no suggestion to the mind of Cockney on the subject of Exeter Hall. This is bad usage by Cockney of his dearly prized friend Darkey. Cockney is not be- having to Darkey like a man and a brother. \

In Congress.

Mr. Vallandigham, Representative from Ohio, calls for s state- ment of the present " floating debt of the United States." Per- haps Mr. V. had better withdraw his call antil a good many steel- plated ships are built.

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JANUARY 11, 1862.1

VANITY FAIE.

25

AN ENGLISH SAILOR COVERS HIMSELF WITH IM- PERISHABLE GLORY.

In this country the general impression with regard to the Trent affair is that Captain Wilkes was the bona fide hero of the transac- tion, while England exalted the captured commissioners and their attache's to the pinnacles of admiration. It is really too bad to trouble people by offering to correct any false views they may have taken in the matter, but we are compelled to do so. We are pained — nay we are chagrined to own it, but our bold Captain Wilkes didn't after all earn a saltspoon's worth of praise, and the English journals are prone to confess that in heaping their eulogies upon the rebel prisoners, they singularly enough overlooked the merits of a bold and blasted Briton named Williams in general, and occa- sionally Villiams in particular. Let us observe that this Williams, or Villiams as the case may be, is not the Divine Williams so dear to the hearts of French Academicians, and lately arraigned before a board of corner grocers in Brooklyn, on a charge of uttering im- moral sentiments. No ! not this man, but another man — a man who sailed in the Trent as mail Agent, who wears the Commander's handle to his name, and who is proud to say that he is somewhat interested in the Welch orphan business. Yes ! genile and frisky readers, Commander Williams is in for all the glory that originated with the Trent business. The Royal Western Yacht Company are entitled to the credit of having discovered Williams, or rather of having helped him to discover himself.

At a dinner given by the club in question Williams drank him- self into condition, and then proceeded to make an expose' of the whole seizure, with notes and explanations, satirical and humorous allusions, contemptuous epithets, oaths, inuendoes etc. Oh it was a rare old speech— highly offensive to the English grammar, but for that very reason all the more welcome to the partially sober Yachtmen who heard it. Williams's view of the case is as we hinted, novel — therefore interesting. Wilkes and Fairfax wanted him, then they wanted Miss Slidell, and finally took up with Slidell & Mason & Co. All the insult to the British flag had to pass through the person of the veracious Williams, in order to reach that article so dear to English Tars, hence we can judge how pene- trating was the insult. Williams was, at the time the San Jacinto hove in sight, seated smoking a pipe and reading the " Essays and Reviews," and thinking of fugitive slaves and free soil — and possi- bly whether it was a duff day or not. These are truly brilliant thoughts; but that is nothing remarkable,for it runs in the Williams family to have them.

We presume he was just emerging from a tussle with an unusu- ally hard word in the " Essays and Reviews," when the Yankees stepped quietly aboard the Trent, after having fired a blank shot or two. Well, then of course occurred the exciting scenes throughout which our Williams tried himself and found that he was not wanting. He felt himself to be a blasted Briton upon a blasted British ship under a blasted British flag, and that such goings on were a blasted shame — so they were, Williams says it was not a personal but a national matter, by George, and Lieuten- ant Fairfax he countenanced the term Gasconader, and Captain Wilkes he has no shame neither, and Miss Slidell she is a young lady how as protected her father from the marines, and slapped the Yankee Lieutenant's face, and Williams he would have given his next glass of grog to have had the young woman slap him in the face and leave the marks of her knuckles under his starboard peeper, and Williams he told the ladies that it was a damned in- fernal lie, and Williams he threw himself into a thin space between Miss Slidell's person and the points of a row of bayonets which were being pushed by a lot of greasy Yankee marines right for Miss Slidell's body, and Williams he stopped all that and more too, and may be you would not believe it, but it is true that Williams he got four mantles of approbation on account of his approved conduct on this courageous occasion, and one of them came from the British Lion, and another of them came from the British Queen, and another of them came from the British public, and auother of them came from the Royal Western Yacht Club, and by George, Williams he'd wear them all at once and more too, mantles of approbation was what he came for, and now he had got them, and he was going because he kept an orphaned nephew, and compliments were welcome though unexpected and the Trent by George got him his four mantles of approbation, hooray ! ° s ° ° " ° * ° •

That explains Williams.

Tall Talk.

France is going to get up a Great International Exhibition, to open in 18G5. Dilating upon this subject, a French paper informs us that a stupendous crystal edifice for the purpose is to be erected upon an elevated spot near St. Cloud — which is a very appropriate locality for a building the dome of which is to be five hundred feet high.

JONATHAN ON THE LATE SURRENDER OF MASON AND SLIDELL.

" 'Tain't so !— ye can't fool me!" says I, Wen Jess he told me w'at they'd done :

It looked so all- fired, sneakin' mean I vabw I couldn't see the fun.

W'at ! after all the resk an' fuss —

An' glory tedo ! — to let folks know We got so scairt abaout it all

We jest turned tail an' let 'em go !

" No sir !" says I, — "the day ain't come

For Englishmen to scare us much ! N'r Frenchmen either ; fetch 'em both !

An' bring the Spanish, an' the Dutch !"

We'll whip the world, ef they ask us to ! — We'll lay ab'ur left claw on the Sabuth :

An' thar you watch w'ile Mister right Sp'iles all creation's face an' maouth !

" Nabw you hold up !" says Jess ; — it's done !

An' here's the papers !" By — the — gad — Gosh — all-fired — big horn gun-flint ! — Sho' !

I almost cried ! an' so did dad !

I sot an' read, abut labud, right through

The fust dispatch, an' so on dabwn ; Mighty smooth readin' tebo, it wooz !

But Seward did his part up braown !

" He's right P' says dad. " Darned ef he ain't !" Says Jess, a-lookin' so kind o' sab'our,

I knew he'd rather 'a' fit it abut With every pesky furrin pabwer.

" Confabund their picters, dad !" says he, —

" They'll say they scared us into it ! There's where the rub comes !" — " Wal," says dad,

" Ef they deo, per'aps we'll fight em yit I"

" There ain't be'n much love lost, I guess,

Within the last six months or so ; They've showed the meanest kind o' spite,

An' lied abaout us, high an' low.

" Habw the mean tykes 'ave eat their words 'Babut the ' poor slave' they used to feel fur !

Who is it, naoio, they want to help, An' even lie an' cheat an' steal fur ?

" Is that the way they pay us back For worshippin' the Prince o' Wales,

Not to see nothin' here to like

'Cept cotton kings an' cotton bales !"

" Confabund sech friendship 1" — " So say I !"

Says Jess, his eyes a snappin' fire : " I wish this minute England knew

We wa'n't a mite afeerd to try her !"

" She's found abut that, though, twice-t afore :

Nabw one time more is all I ask !" " Mighty !" says dad,—" habw it warms my blood !

Where's my musket an' pab'wder flask !"

" Habw the old wolf did grabwl!" says he, " You're rilin' up the stream, dabwn there !

You want to pick a quarrel, I see ! You meant it, in that Trent affair !"

The lamb he's got some friends left yet !

An' he's a fightin' lamb hisself : Look abut, old wolf, for fear some day, He'll up an' lay ye on the shelf!

Hardly Ship-Shape. The Captain of an American merchant vessel writes to the Glasgow Herald, complaining that he was slanged in good, set terms by the crew of H. B. M. ship Hogue, somewhere in British waters, on account of his flag. We have not the pleasure of being able to state what class of nautical craft the Hogue belongs to ; but, if that vessel is a steel-plated one, and the American Captain's account of her is authentic, we think we are justified in proposing that she be hereafter recognised by the style and title of the " Hogue in Armor."

26

VANITY F^lIR.

[JANUARY 11, 1862.

HARDEE MADE EASY.

A RGE Artil- lery, so far from being a result of pro- gressive im- provement in the science of gunnery, was in very exten- sive use long before the in- vention of g u n p o wder. We are told by Camden, for instance, that the ancient Britons were very strong upon artillery of a heavy kind, and had a patent for shooting mill- stones out of a machine called a mon- gonel. " This engine, ye mongonel" says Camden, in his

quaint old way, " might truly have been accounted a bigge thynge upon ice, only that never was ice found upon which it might stand, so mightie was its hefte."

It is mentioned by De Brunne, that the guns used by Richard I, when he threw up his hat for a mill with the Saracens, were con- structed upon the principle of the windmill, and worked by means of sails. It is from this circumstance that the term "windage," still in use among cannoneers, derives its origin ; and the expres- sion " a little mill," as applied to a fight, may also be affiliated upon these wind-mill guns, with which Dick I threw immense quantities of granite boulders into the channels leading to certain obnoxious towns of the enemy, thereby utterly destroying their value as ports of entry. The stones are yet there, but the towns have long since crumbled to ruins, with the exception of what was once the princi- pal corner tavern of one of them, which is now kept by an enter- prising American of the Eastern stripe, who, singularly enough, calls it the Charleston Hotel. This gentleman makes a very hand- some living by fishing up the submerged boulders, and selling them to American tourists, by whom they are purchased with avidity, as mementoes of a place that was.

In later times, when gunpowder was in full blast, very liberal opinions appear to have been entertained upon the subject of calibre. When Mahomet II riddled the walls of Constantinople, in the year 1453, for example, the projectiles handed in by him weighed as much as twelve hundred pounds a piece, which is a good deal more than General James can say for his great sugar-loaf shot. But there were inconveniences attending the use of this heavy metal. Like the bill of the modern baker, it could with difficulty be discharged more than once a week, so that, as we learn from an old historian, " the besieged did regularly repayre their breaches between every shotte." This must have been a very mortifying sight for the besiegers.

Another difficulty attending the great guns of old was that of keeping them cool, for which purpose immense quantities of vinegar were poured down their burning throats. Chili vinegar, in particu- lar, was recommended for cooling the guns ; but the demand for that article, in consequence, sent it up to an extravagant market price and threw the monopoly of it into the hands of fraudulent contractors, the spurious fluid furnished by whom reduced things to a bad pickle.

It is curious, in tracing out the history of these gun?, to find that they were constructed of longitudinal ribs, bound together with hoops. Here we find the principle of the great Belgian inventor who has lately given us the breech-loading revolving cannon. We allude to De Brame, whose commodious mind is said to have con- tained the ideas of a new baby-jumper, an improved skate, and the famous revolving skeleton gun, at the same time. Napoleon I used to say that there is but one 8tep from the sublime to the ridicu- lous ; but it has been reserved for De Brame to make the one great step on record from the ridiculous to the sublime, as he did when he strode from the baby-jumper to the breech-loading cannon, upon a pair of patent skates.

at AN IDEA.

By a Man who Writes for a Living.

[Vanity Fair cheerfully gives space to the following suggestion from an esteemed contributor of long standing.]

People who write for a living are not very scarce. I am ac- quainted with several. They generally manage to earn enough to run into debt with, and seldom buy Central Park lots, or news- paper stock. In the best of times the Contributor is not afflicted with wealth, but in times like these he is even less troubled with coin than ever. Two of my friends and co-laborers are earnestly striving for political influence enough to get them positions in the County Alms House, while a third, with greater self-reliance and a good deal of judgment, is planning a daring and almost impossible burglary with, a view to being arrested in the act, and afterwards supplied with furnished apartments in the Penitentiary for a term of years. He is a worthy young man too, and is, I believe, engaged to a Sunday School teacher. He pursued literature with assiduity, and for a while paid his way at Crook & Duff's, and occasionally lunched at Mataran's, but the war has blighted him, and I fear that he is destined for a brief but rapid career of infamy. Poor dear Sunday School teacher! How I pity you ! How my heart gyrates for you ! How the tears will overflow your blue eyes and deluge your fair blooming cheeks — cheeks that have so many times been pressed to — but don't let me stir up the turbid pathetic. I will restrain my sympathy and proceed.

Another young man, a young man with flaxen hair and lately the owner of a new thing in trousers — is— prepare yourself dear Vanity — is planning a startling sensation poison case, in which his aged and helpless greater grandmother is to be the victim. This with an idea to getting up an intense local excitement — in order to sell editorials on " The progress of crime in the Metropolis," and at the same time furnish subject matter for impecunious artists attached to enterprising illustrated papers.

The old lady possesses a favorite parrot, and it is feared that the pitiable young man will in his frenzy extend his assassinating influ- ence even to this innocent bird, whose only weakness is crackers.

I could multiply instances of what is in the contemplation of other persons who are only too gifted with genius, but " enough is as good as a feast," especially when the food is unwholesome. Well, now for my idea.

I propose that a number of capitalists — by capitalists I mean people who know that they have money in a bank and also know where the bank is — form themselves into an Insurance Company, whose sole object shall be to assume risks on behalf of literary and artistic contributors in this city and vicinity, so that in case of these persons failing to support themselves by their regular pro- fession—either through accumulating: too large stocks of rejected matter, or the dearth of material upon which to work — they can by proving their claims recover value for lost time, stationery, ideas, etc. Perhaps such an Insurance Company would not prove so pro- fitable upon experiment as at first blush seems likely— but that is a matter only interesting to the capitalists aforesaid and the stock- holders generally.

I am not financially nice— I do not know that I am reliable in any thing that I may say about amounts of money that are rated above nine dollars— but what I do say is sincere and prompted by a large and intimate acquaintance with the painful realities of life. List ye Capitalists ! Open your hearts ye people with purses ! Never mind the foreign heathen— subscribe for the benefit of native Christians ! If you can't get up an Insurance Company, do please start another magazine or journal, with an able editor and a literary fund.

Broken Heart and Purse.

Interesting to "Artists in Hair."

In a late number of the Herald, there is a tabular statement of " Legislative Jobs" likely to be lobbied for at Albany during the winter. There are city railroad jobs, and Central Park jobs, ard jobs connected with sale of property ; but the strangest item of the lot is the following :

"Long locks . • 1,000,000."

Naturally enough, we found such an immense quantity of " Long locks" rather confusing to our head ; but, on consideration, we have arrived at the conclusion that some honest man has provided them for the purpose of Wigging fraudulent speculators.

Theatricals with Trimmings. The Emasculated Drama in Brooklyn.

JANUARY 11, 1862

VAJSJTTY" FAIR

27

A L3TTER FROM A LADY.

Dear Mb . V. F. —I want you to come out against a great social evil! It is men's feet. Why do they have them so big? It is positively dreadful, and I never saw anything like it in my life. There's my husband now — darling Benjamin I call him sometimes — he is not a bad looking man, really, but he wears 10's I assure you. Great, ponderous, wrinkly, bulgy boots they are too. My darling children shrink back affrighted when he walks across the floor. Why should this state of things exist ? Why should bitter- ness be cast into the domestic circle in consequence of feet ?

I think, my dear Mr. V. F. that a reform is needed. There is no use in men'u feet being so big. It is perfectly ridiculous. Can- trell always makes my gaiters on a No. 3 last. Why should the feet of the man whom I have sworn to love, cherish and obey be more than two sizes larger ? They shouldn't and, something must be done.

Only the other day I met in an omnibus a man whose feet must positively have weighed a hundred pounds a piece. When this wretch got in he crushed the feet of every one in his way, took his seat.

sprawled out his feet, pulled out his newspaper and began to read with perfect unconcern. I looked daggers at him, but he was as impervious as one of Stewart's clerks.

Then, again, you have no idea how destructive they are — these feet, I mean- — to our dresses ! Every day, almost, Mr. Secretary Seward sends to Fort Lafayette some wretched and ignominious traitor. But what are traitors when compared to men with big feet? I think, really, my dear Mr. V. F., that a portion of the Sing Sing Prison should be devoted to those creatures who step on ladies' dresses in Broadway. They make me so vexed that I don't know what to do, and I wish my dear Mr. V. F., that you would give it to 'em good.

Yours indignantly,

Leonora Higgs nee Litiletoe.

CABINET CONVERSATION PIECES. No. 3.

Scene. — A Symposium in a private parlor of the While House. The President and several Members of the Cabinet seated around a rather hospitable-looking board.

President. — Have you ever read Webster's Dictionary, Mr. Seward ?

Sec. of State. — I have, sir. It has long been my favorite relaxa- tion to indulge in the perusal of that well- worded book. I look upon it as very bracing to the mind.

President. — I fear we have over-rated it, sir. My message con- tained many of the choicest words from Webster, and yet, I am told that the English press is finding fault with my style.

Sec. of State. — The English newspaper writers are very particular about style. I have noticed that they quote Hobace a great deal ; to astonish the farmers and operatives, I guess, because Horace was nothing but a slip-shod old fool after all, and his writings can have no influence upon modern politics. Nevertheless, you might quote him sometimes, sir, if only for the sake of style, and to astonish the farmers and operatives.

President. — I have a great respect for Mr. Greeley, sir, and am sorry that you should call him an old fool, while, at the same time, I acknowlege that he is generally slip-shod, and that his writings can have no possible influence upon modern politico. I shall not quote Mr. Greeley even for the sake of style ; and when I aston- ish the farmers and operatives, you shall know it, sir !

Sec. of Treasury. — " Chip chow, cherry chow, fol lol de riddy row, fol de rol de riddle iddle ido !"

President.— That is very unseemly language, Mr. Chase. Had you any reference to my style, sir, when you made use of it ? _ Sec. of Treasury.— Not at all, sir. I was thinking of the suspen- sion of specie payments by the banks, by which I am enabled to meet my January interest, and I naturally felt a little elated at the circumstance. Hooray for the banks ! Let us drink to the banks ! with a " chip chow, cherry chow," etc., etc. !

Postmaster General.— I honor your toast, sir, and drink to it with pleasure, especially as this wine is of a very choice and luscious vintage. But you are more successful in your Toast than ia your Tea and Coffee, Mr. Chase, and your sugar. The merchants are on the rampage because you have put a duty on these articles while in bond. That Tea and Coffee business is discreditable to you, sir.

President-— Gentlemen, no recrimination here, if you please. Those who frequent White Houses must not throw mud. Let us drink "absent friends and may they long remain absent." I al- lude to Messrs. Mason and Slidell.

Sec. of War.— That is a sweet metaphor about White Houses and mud. It is full of poetry, and reminds one of that other fine idea about chickens coming home to roost. Allow me to amend your toast, though. "Here's to our goners, Mason and Slidell, and may they soon go home to roost— like any other cusses !"

Sec. of State.— Very neatly put, indeed. There is an epigram- matic point in that worthy of Martial.

President— We have had a good deal of Martial law around, sir since I became the Executive. No doubt the Secretary of War has found his point in that.

Sec. of Navy.— The word is that John Bull is going to cut up rusty about my stone blockade. But what I say is that Charleston threw the first stone.

President.— When I was a boy— about fourteen year old, I guess, and six foot seven inches high— a circumstance happened to me'. I was passing near to a quarry, driving a brindled cow before me when a full-sized loafer jumped up from a crotch of the fence, and picking up a stone from the road, hit the cow with it behind the small ribs. I said nothing at the time, but, making for the quarry got command of a heap of manufactured stones, with a volley of promiscuous ten-pounders from which I laid the craven giant sense- less upon his tracks. I have thought a heap of a heap of stones ever since, I tell you.

Sec. of State.— The " craven giant !" a hit at Rebellion. Why this is the very essence of Oriental imagery ! It carries me back to the Arabian Nights enjoyed by me in the dulcet East.

President— Try some of these cigars, gentlemen. I don't smoke, myself, but am assured that these weeds are of a fine, fruity crusty old brand. And, talking of Weeds, Bill, that was a good stand Thublow made for you in the London Times.

Sec. of State.— And the comments made upon Mr. Weed's letter by the London Times, sir, reminded me of the uses of adversity They were sweet.

President.— 1 have dwelt much in the Western country, Mr. Seward, where pork is a staple article of manufacture, and I have never known Echo make but one reply to the question—" What can you expect from a Pig but a Grunt ?"

Sec. of Interior.— What state was the Duke of Newcastle in, Mr. Seward, that night you met him at Governor Morgan's festive board? several of us would like to hear.

Sec. of State.— Re was in the State of New York, sir,

President.— The question is a delicate one, of course, but there are circumstances that it would be important to know Dook tight, for instance ?— talk thick ?

Sec. of Stale.— We were very thick, sir, Duke and I. The cigars were, as you say, fruity, and of a fine old crusty brand.

Sec. of Far.— Wines of the real Morgan breed, I reckon— strong upon the Hocks, fast to go, but easy to hold.

Sec. of Stale.— -There was fish at table, sir, and the sauce with it might have been considered strong by some. Mine has been com- plained of by the London Times.

President— -There is u fine iuuendo, here ; but I should like vou to be more explicit, sir. Dook tight, for instance ?— talk thick f Sec. of State.— Fine old St. Croix rum is a very insinuating element in the summer julep. It was summer when Duke and f shared allotted portions of Governor Morgan's festive board T never drink fine old St. Croix rum.

President.— In your statement, sir, do you mean to convey a, severe truth by implication? Dook tight, for instance ?— talk

Sec. of State.— I have seen fewer juleps drank than some persons had one day at Governor Morgan's festive board.

President— Gentlemen, there are more things around upon this clay ball than are dream' t of in our political philosophy. Straw drinks is one of them.

28

VANITY FAIE.

JANUARY 11, 1862.]

THE AGE OF PROGRESS. Astonished Relative. — Why, Johnny, what are doing in that uniform. Johnny. — Why, I'm raising a regiment, I am, Aunt — and they're all able-

A Neat and Happy Idea- Describing the pranks of the wind on the 1st instant, an up-river paper says that a young lady was carried away by that air. " In some places, when she would strike a glassy spot," says the up-river paper, " she would be carried along with the speed of an ice-boat." Well, we suppose that the young lady, if a boat at all, must have been about that kind of ona ; and, under the circum- stances, we regret that we were not a ' 'glassy spot" for the occasion.

The Eagle and Small Birds.

On reading .in the Norfolk Day Book, an account of a'certain " dashing achievement" performed by one Commodore Lynch of the Sea Bird, we came to the conclusion that the Northern Eagle has nothing to fear from the combined movements of the Southern Sea Bird, the Norfolk Day Book's Crow, and the Gulls by which the circulation of the latter paper is maintained.

Put that and that together.

Among maritime items we find that the Hunchback had arrived at Fortress Monroe.

Punch came to hand per Asia, on Friday last.

A Downy Bed for the Sunken Whalers- Down in the depths of Charleston Har-

bor.

Trouble with England. Can't understand American Affairs.

bodied men, too.

WHEELS WITHIN WHEELS.

A Machine Shop at Port Eoyal. — We learn that preparations are making for establishing a machine-shop on the " sacred soil" of South Carolina, at Port Royal. — Daily paper.

The shadow falls black on the " sacred soil, '

The cruel shadow of Northern toil ;

And a terrible pang the Southrons feel

When they hear the whirr of the Northern wheel. Wheels within wheels go round and round, Our spokes are strong, and our axles sound ; And hammers and anvils are singing away This glorious Northern song to-day.

" Her land is ruined, her soil decayed, Her glory is fettered, her strength betrayed ; But hammer and anvil shall break the chain And blot out forever the shameful stain. Wheels within wheels, &c.

" Hammer the iron, and wield the steel, Work out the problem, wheel within wheel, Till muscular arm and nervous hand Shall wield the power all over the land] Wheels within wheels, «fec.

" Weak and besotted, and sunk in sin, Ye left the course where others begin ; What wonder that strength and prosperity rest Where workers have worked through life their best? Wheels within wheels, &c.

" The click of the lash is a terrible thing, And 'tis better to hear the anvil ring ; The shriek of the slave is a painful sound, — Far better to hear the wheels go 'round. Wheels within wheels, &c.

" Place shaft and rod, and pulley and hand,

Till the wheels go 'round on every hand ;

Till every spot where a slave has been,

Shall ring with the clank of the Yankee machine.

Wheels within wheels go 'round and 'round,

Our spokes are strong, and our axles sound ;

And hammers and anvils are singing away,

This glorious Northern song to-day .

A Real Blanket, at last 1

Among the incidents at the White House, on New Year's Day, was the presentation of an Indian blanket to Mrs . Lincoln, by Major Arny, the U. S. Indian Agent for the Territory of New Mexico. This, article, which was made of wool, excited the greatest astonishment among the military officers present, nearly all of whom asserted that it was the only woolen blanket they had seen since the commencement of the war. The Secretary of War has ordered a pair, exactly similar to it, in order that it may not hereafter be stated that there were nevifr any woolen blankets in the stores of the army of the North .

No Learning without Tears.

We learn, from France, that M. Thiers is to be appointed peda- gogue to the young Prince Imperial.

A Bell that Tolled anything but truth in London, lately. Bell Brittain.

A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE MICROSCOPE.

Magnifying small objects 500 times, will be mailed to any address, on the receipt of 25 cents, in silver, and I red Stamp. Five of different poweis, free of postage. $1. Address, F. BO WEN, Lock Box, 220, Boston, Mass .

TITLE PAGES for the' 4th Volume of this Paper can be had on application at this Office.

VOL. 5.

fc^T NO.108

-vrjx-o;-v\--\\<^\'X-:sK^.

THUNDER AND SMALL BEER.

Or, the Homage of the New York Club to the War Correspondent of the Loxno.N "Times."

n ere. accurdmg «, Acid Con^ss ,„ u,e >.-»r looi , bj, Louu U. antraiou, in the Clerk's OMoeof the Uislriot Court of the United States, for the Southern Distriot o' .n^v York.

VANITY FAIK.

TO THE PUBLIC.

When the Cavours, the Douglases and Prince Albert? die in their prime, be sure it was not want of vitality, but the -want of correct princi- ples of Medical practice. In each of these cases a fen- doses of Brandreth's Pills would infallibly have cured the patient. Yes, I say infallibly, and I know what I am saying, and can produce evidence to establish what I assert.

Often in youth, just as we suppose ourselves fitted to fill some position of honor and profit, we find ourselves attacked by a supposed incurable disease. Such was the case of a young man whose remarkable cure deserves more than a passing notice. He had entered upon professional duties, when he found his energies neutralized by a continual

Gnawing, Dragging, Dull, Heavy Pain in his Left Side.

He consulted an eminent physician, who sounded his chest, lungs, and abdomen. "^Over the region of the pain was a dull sound, not like the ringing one over the other parts. He inquired the meaning of that dull sound, and was informed that it might be an adhesion of the lung to the ribs. ",1s it curable?" " Sometimes," was the serious, ominous answer. He went to a college-mate who was a doctor. His friend examined him and gave his opinion that it was dropsy of the pericardium or sac or bag, in which the heart moves. " Is that curable ?" ■' It, is not supposed curable ; but I believe Nature's constant tendency is toward a'cure, and the object of art is to remove the cause of disease — that is, to free riature from those morbid matters that hinder its action. Go to Dr. Brandreth ; he will tell you that his Pills will aid Nature to bring about a cure— and they may do so." This young man came ; was ordered through a course of Pills, to be followed by another in a few days. He was admonished that, should he feel intense pain in the locality of the disease at any time, to take five Pills every four hours until the pain somewhat abated, and to drink very plentifully of linseed-tea, or Indian-meal or oat-meal grind, or any other warm, innocent, cooling, lubricating drink. The pain did become intense after some few weeks' use of the Pills, and the above advice was strictly followed. When twenty Pills had been taken, and from twelve to fourteen hours from the attack of the intense pain, something gave way in the region of the heart with a sound like that of a pistol -snap. He laid his hand on his side, and thought he was about to die, but lie sunk off into a sweet and quiet sleep, little thinking that he was cured of a supposed incurable affection; but it was so. He slept for ten hours, and then, though weak, got up and completely dressed himself. He found he did not favor the side. True, there was some soreness, but the heavy, dragging pain was all gone. In a few days he found his energies, spirits, and health all restored, and he realized he was a sound man.

A Cure of Pain in the Right Side.

Dk."B. Brandreth:

Dear Sir : Out of respect to you, for your Pills,:and above all, for the good of mankind, I send yon this short notice of my case. I suffered for two years with a. severe pain in my right side, which was declared to proceed from the liver, by two'celebrated physicians of this city, whose reme- dies I used, but without effect. "Finding myself constantly growing worse, I was advised to take your Vegetable Universal Pii.t.s, which immediately relieved me. But after having taken them for two weeks, I felt one of my old attacks. I then consulted you, as you well remember, and you ordered me to bed, and to take four Pills every two hours until the pain should entirely cease ; which I believe was most excellent advice, for I could scarcely breathe or endure the least movement of my body, so acute was the pain. After the first dose of the Pills, the pain grew worse; then I took seven Pills, and continued taking them in doses of seven, until I had taken thirty-five, when I felt a sharp pain as if a hot iron passed through my side, and soon after I passed a kind of fleshy substance in appearance, when I felt relieved, though the pain did not entirely cease for a week. I am now perfectly cured, and enjoying the best of health, being wholly a new man, and able to breathe and walk about as well as ever.

I remain, sir, your_most thankful, BEN.T. EVANS,

|172 Broome Street, New-York.

Thousands like the'above.

The above case is a type of thousands, but how different the termination !

Widows and orphans suffer the sad consequences which Brandreth's Pills could often prevent. Limbs are removed with great skill which a few months' use of these Pills would have restored to soundness.

Epilepsy Cured.

Dr. BeandeethJ: ^ew-York, July 8, 1857.

Sir : A boy of mine was subject to Fits from his infancy. His case was considered hopeless by the doctors, who thought he would be subject to them for life. After they had given him up, I was recommended to try your Pills, and, without much faith, did try them, according to your printed directions. Four years ago I commenced giving them to him, and to my great joy and relief, he has had but one return only of his affliction since. I consider him now perfectly cured.

The extraordinary benefit they did him, makes me always recommend them to my friends, and I would be glad that everybody knew their value. The case was the worst possible ; he would have been helpless and almost uselessly unfit for any kind of business, from the length and severity of eacli attack — often lasting a whole night, and leaving him, for two or three days afterward, entirely prostrate from weakness. Every kind of treatment was also externally applied that was professionally advised. You may therefore judge what good reason I have for letting you have this statement in acknowledgment for the benefit received, and for the purpose of letting those who may be hesitating under similar cir- cumstances have in v testimony in confirmation of the reliability of other certificates, and perfect confidence, like myself, in the value of the Pills. Yours respectfully, JOHN WEBB,

18 Beekman Street, New-York.

I can refer to numbers of persons cured of Fever and Ague, Rheumatic, Typhoid, and other fevers, even yellow and spotted. Any person who desires evidence shall be furnished with it without stint. We can prove that BRANDRETH'S PILLS PURIFY THE BLOOD, and that in doing so, they cure or modify every disease. Oh ! that the world sufficiently appreciated their curative qualities. There would be fewer widows and children weeping for lost fathers.

Brandreth's Pills and Simple Maladies.

But while they cure extreme cases, they are equally adapted for every affection. If you are sick, use them. Suppose your child is sick — bowels costive, and out of sorts generally. Give one, two, or three; if no improvement takes place, continue the Pills. Ten, or even twenty, won't hurt the child, but not being used, your child may die.

It is the doubtful, the timid that sufler in sickness, die or have a tedious time, while the courageous and bold take a good dose^ Prtls, and get well at once.-

While you are in pain, have debility, or in any way not in possession of health, .USE BRANDRETH'S PILLS. They will [restore you, because they have affinity for the

Subject Matter of Disease,

and remove it from the body. No man can appreciate them sufficiently until he has tried them. Their merits surpass [all eulogy, and must be used, to be properly valued. Sold at No. 294 Canal Street, and No. 4 Union Square, and by all respectable dealers. .

Two New Vols, of THE

NELLY AND MARTIN STORIES.

By Josephine Franklin — beautifully illus- trated. The series now consists of NELLY AND HER FRIENDS, NELLY AN n HER BOAT, NELLY'S FIRST SCHOOL DAYS, LITTLE BESSIE, NELLY'S VISIT, ZELMA. The main object of the author of this series is the inculcation in a quiet, simple way of the principles of good nature, kindness, and integrity among children. Price 50 cents per vol.

PUBLISHED BY BROWN & TAGGARD.

29 CORNHILL, BOSTON.

Ex racts from Chas. Stokes' Continental Almanac.

As our Almanac this year wears a Military aspect, we will bring up the rear with some Drums, which, though quite hollow, are yet hard to beat. They are known to the readers of Almanacs as Connn-drums.

Why is Chas. Stokes' Illustrated Almanac for 18152 like a mansion of the Rebels near Beaufort ?— Ans. Because the figures in it are all colored.

Why is the Rebel army so well supplied with officers 1 Ans. — Because so many "contrabands" have been left-tenants of the plantations.

Why are the customers of Stokes one-price store like chimney sweeps 1 Ans. Because they are always sooted in their dress.

What is the difference between the " Con- tinental Hotel" andasuitot'clothing?— Ans The Hotel being too large, part of it will be rented out ; and your clothing being too small, part of it will be rented out.

Why does Fort Walker at Port Royal har- bor resemble Chas. Stokes' one-price cloth- ing store ?— Ans. Because of the great num- ber of breeches within its walls.

CHARLES STOKS3'

CLOTHING ESTABLISHMENT,

824 CHESTNUT STREET.

PHILADELPHIA.

THE READERS CF VANITY FAIR

WILL BEAR IN MIND THAT

E. ANT HON Y,

501 BROADWAY,

(Three doors from the St. Nicholas Hotel,)

IS

HEAD QUARTERS FOR

PHOTOGRAPHIC ALBUMS.

STEROSCOPIC VIEWS,

AND

CARTE DE VISITE PHOTO- GRAPHS OF CELEBRITIES.

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JANUARY 18, 1862.1

VANITY FAIR.

31

RANTANQUERO DE BOOM-jmGKTING I

■ — OR —

THE WRATH OF THE REBEL RIVAL.

A ROMANCE OP THE WAR. By McArone.

CHAPTER VI.

Gritn and silent as the Egyptian Sphynx or an unlucky stock- speculator, sat Don Rantanquero, awaiting his doom. Already he felt the subtle poison gnawing at his victuals.

Ten hours thus elapsed, and great drops of deathly agony gathered upon bis brow. It was kind of rough.

Suddenly came a brisk ring at the bell, and a young friend of the Don entered ... a young gentleman who was engaged in the study of medicine. He bore a neat mahogany case under his arm.

'•Ah !" chirped he ; " glad to rind you alone ; I want to show you just the neatest, nicest, most convenient, handiest little con- trivance you ever saw in the world ; an invention of my own, just patented ; look at that, sir !''

Opening the case, he exhibited to the Don a very handsome self- adjusting low-pressure stomach-pump.

" Aha,'' said the Don, good-naturedly : " yes, I see. Very pretty very pretty indeed."

" Now, my dear fellow, let me explain it to you. You see, when it operates, I put the end in my mouth, so ; then I open this valve, and close the throttle, which turns on this flange, so. Then I work this handle two turns back, to exhaust the air, and a single turn forward does the business. See? It is really a pleasant sensa- tion ... so different from the old-fashioned instrument. Ever been pumped ?" "No."

" 0, then you must try it ! It is splendid. Folks use my pump just for amusement. Children cry for it. No family should be without it. Get the best. Come, try a turn."

•' No . . . thank you. . . 1 . . . I've been taking medicine." " Sick? Ah, this will cure you. Better than all the medicine in the world. Come !"

Our hero was the best-natured man in the world. He loved to see science prosper, and recognized at a glance the importance of a good, reliable stomach-pump. His friend begged hard, and he yielded. Iu two minutes, the laudanum was removed and he felt that the shears of Atropos were not destined to sever his thread just yet.

On Monday mornitig he returned to his camp, at Richmond, well as ever, and plunged into the cares of business, to distract his mind.

Glorianna de Boom-jikg-jing was retained a prisoner in the halls of Peter, at Mobile. Her insanity was pretty bad, at first, but Dr. Dixon, of the Scalpel, happened along that way, collecting and canvassing for advertisements for his somewhat maniacal but excellent publication, and took charge of the case. The result was that the fair dame soon recovered, without an operation, and the doctor acquired a wide reputation all through that sectiou of the country.

Georianna's first care, after paying the doctor's bill and thank- ing him copiously, was to arrange a plan for escape. Peter had cruelly denied her pens, ink, and pa,,er, and Bkaurbgabd, who had now regained his normal condition, said he didn't think it would answer for Northern women to be writing to their husbands much. Strategy, then, had to be employed, and Mrs. de Boom-jing-jing was pretty well up to trap She procured a young girl ... a poor white . . . and having written an affectionate letter, with full details concerning the abduction, a list of prices current in Mobile, the latest information as to Rebel movements, ami other valuable items, upon the arms of the damsel, in indelible ink, blacked her neatly all over with burnt cork, curled her hair tight, gave her a pass as a slave, and sent her off to make her way North.

The result was, that Don Uantanqui.ro was surprised, one fine day, by a visit from a very dirty nigger. He was about to send to Washington for instructions as to how be should dispose of her, when she went to a brook, washed her face and arms, took her hair out of curl, and revealed her color ... a dingy white. " What WOUldst tuou, fair maiden ?'' asked the Don. She presented her arms, and showed him the letter written thereon.

He was beside himself with joy, and immediately made the girl a present of two shares of Camden & Amboy R. R. stock, the title-

deeds to the New York City Hall, a corner-lot at Scoby's-Corner, N. J., and a free pass to Artemus Ward's lectures.

That night, there was hurrying to and fro, and arming in hot haste, and preparation for all the pomp and circumstance of glorious war.

"What are you going to do, my General ?" asked the young lieutenant of Light Quadroons who so narrowly escaped the bat- tery, in the last battle described.

" Going to do Mobile," replied the Don, with a sardonic smile.

Twelve days and nights had the dreadful cannon roared forth their thunder-notes, and smote the frowning walls of the doomed city of Mobile.

Twelve days and nights had a lurid pall hung over the trenches where lay the gallant band of our noble hero ; and the sounds of the pickaxe, the shrapnel, and the gabion were heard mingling with the hot blast of war and the martial clang of the tom-tom.

Twelve days and nights had Don Rantanquero worked inces- santly, without food or sleep, or a change of linen. His watchword was :

" Down with the Rebel's vile abode ; That town must fall, or I'll be blowed."

The most unimaginative reader will readily see thata hundred bat- teries of two thousand guns each, all twenty-eight inch columbiads, rifled, throwing improved percussion projectiles incessantly, day and night, must sooner or later break away any kind of fortifica- tion.

Such was the case in this instance. At daybreak on the twelfth morning, the young lieutenant startled Rantanquero, who was shaving himself in the trenches, by announcing the joyful news.

" A breach ! a breach in the walls!" he cried.

. . . Now the writer perceives that this presents an opportunity for a pun which few persons could resist ; but the joke is really so stale and fishlike, that he religiously abstains from it. Will the reader give him due credit ?

" Thank Heaven, Mobile's ours !'' exclaimed the Don, and fainted.

On coming to, he appointed the lieutenant an officer of his staff, with the rank of Lieutenant-General.

You are not a French prince, nor a Prussian Count, nor a German Baron, nor a Magyar chief," said he, "but I begin to think it wouldn't be a bad idea to have a few clever Yankees among our staff-officers, for a change. You bring me good news, and by my halidame, you shall have this reward. Go to my tailor, when the light is over, and get the gayest old uniform he can get up !"

" Meanwhile," said the lieutenant, smoothing down his green

QO

VA-jSTITT fair.

r JANUARY 1 8, 1862

Small Parly (to Brother Jonathan, who keeps a very large store). " I told you 'ow it WOULD BV, you know. Carnt goveen youkselves, you know, just like the blarstkd

HlBISlJ, \ OU KNOW."

The Bight Liquor in the Bight Place.

Southern papers publish a note from Gen- eral Beauregard, thanking a lad}' who, in a truly Samaritan spirit, sent that impover- ished Confederate a couple of bottles of "home-made wine," to wet the New Year with.

In allusion to this very appropriate gift, B. says in his note : " We shall have the pleas- ure of drinking it on New Year's day to your very good health and prosperity, and to the success of our sacred cause."

Not beiDg a fool, we never tasted " home- made wine," ourselves ; but we have a vivid recollection of a friend of ours being once brought home in a fit, upon a shutter, with symptoms that appeared to combine epilepsy, quinsy, cretinism and jibbering idiocy in a very remarkable form. He had been drink- ing " home-made wine."

We consider that " home-made wine" was a very harmonious beverage for Beauregard's libation to the " sacred cause " and the New Year for the South.

The Chamber of Commerce.

Considering certain facts that have trans- pired, lately, respecting the queer Molly- put-the-kettle-on squabbles that occasionally take place in the above mentioned institu- tion, we look upon that as a very happy translation made by a French friend of ours, who calls it Le Chambre des Commeres. This may be freely translated by " Scandal and Gossip shop."

A Path considered pleasant by some. The Homoeopath.

gloves and calling his blaok-and-tan terrier," meanwhile, may I storm that breach and pillage the city ?"

" To be frank with you, you may. If you see my wife, give her my love, and tell her I'll he in directly. Fare thee well."

" Adoo," said the gallant youth.

Seven times did he lead a brave handful of artillerymen to the imminent deadly breach, and seven times were they swallowed up in the sheet of flame that guarded the city. At length, some old fishermen were chosen from Col. Sears' s regiment of Shovel-nose Shark Sharp-shooters, of the Crab Squadron, and they, long accus- tomed to scaling fish, scaled the walls without difficulty.

The Rebels were naturally much annoyed by the intrusion of the lieutenant and his men, and played a very severe practical joke upon them. As the storming party rushed down the main street, a large band of Rebels approached with a flag of truce. They were permitted, unrler protection of the flag, to come close, and even to quite surround the Federals, whom they immediately assailed with bowie-knives and revolvers, so fiercely that but one was left alive.

This little burst of facetiousness provoked much laughter about the town, but the lieutenant . . . the sole survivor of thestorming- parfcy . . . couldn't see it. Being mad, he fought like a tiger, aided by the rest of the Federal troops, who now swarmed through tbe brench by hundreds of thousands.

It was soon after this, that the Old Flag was flung to the battle- stained air of heaven from the cupola of the Court-House.

For the particulars of this solemnity, the reader is referred to Tom Bailey's celebrated epic, beginning : " Here's to the hero of Mobile

The gallant and the true ! True to our Flag . . . by jimmenee ! Long may she wave ; bully for you !"

(This poem . . . the whole of it, nearly . . . may be found in the back of the book. Also, in the Independent. Send in your orders early.)

After a clean shave and general fixing up pretty, the Don called a carriage and drove into Mobile. He searched a long time, high and low, till he found Peter, hidden in a show-window on the principal thoroughfare.

"Hound," remarked the Don, "thou diest, unless thou tellest me where thou hast hidden her whom thou persecutest and I

adore ?"

Peter trembled so that he shook out his front teeth, which were false. He was scared most to death.

" Come with me," he said ; "ef yer mean Mrs. de Boom-jing-jing, I'll show yer. I only kerried her off for a lark. I didn't mean nothin'."

The Don kicked him. He went round to his back to do it.

" Show her to me," said he.

Peter led the way to dungeon where Glorianna had been im- prisoned. A party of men were pillaging the mansion. Peter opened the door . . . the Don darted in . . .

Glorianna was gone . . .

A Long Look-Out-

They seem to be in a bad way with regard to almanacs, out in Wisconsin. A newspaper published somewhere in that region tells us of a gentleman there who " stakes his reputation" upon a pre- diction inferred from certain arrangements of the beavers and muskrats, to the effect that " we are to have a mild Winter, with prevailing winds from the South for the next six months."

It is pleasant to know that the Winter will be mild during a good portion of the Summer, a season into which people naturally expect to be carried some time within " the next six months :" but one's pleasurable anticipations are slightly alloyed by the prospect of "prevailing winds from the South," on account of the Bad Odor in which that region is, at present.

D. K. if not O. K.

Captain'DRAKE de Kay, Aid to General Mansfield, lately made a reconnaissance in the neighborhood of Beaufort, with about 150 men, and, as usual, they were encountered by a superior rebel force, by which some were slain and captured and the rest dispersed. This was what Dryden calls " Fretting the pigmy body to decay."

The Last British Performance. The American Cussin'.

JANUARY 18, 1862.]

VANITY FAIR.

33

HARDEE MADE EASY.

s^=^===iHERE is no evi-

_^dence that the

siisi^ss^g^isasteprimitive pieces

__^gof ordnance

1^=^=3,11 nded to in

our last were

ever converted

to the purposes

p=ITjjErf|of horse artil- g=§!§|Iilery. Indeed, ~I the nearest thing to flying :^^^=ar ti 1 ler y of ^ !§||f^= which any no- Si tice is taken in pold hooks o f ^military science, . is the great windmill gun from which old- time cannoneers

used to pepper their enemies with millstones. Some writers, never- theless, persist in averring that flying artillery must have been known to the ancients, basing their supposition upon the fact of the balista being described as a " sort of Crow with a lever."

Annice Mirabolus, an old Flemish painter, has left behind him a battle-piece in wbich we find the first direct reference to horse- artillery. It represents a mategrijfon drawn by a donkey. The mategriffon was a very complicated machine, the projective power of which was based upon the mathematical principle of the Archime- dean screw.

In a curious old play called " Chowderre and Choppes," written by an obscure dramatist whose name was Bussyco, there is more than one allusion to the locomotion of ordnance by means of trained animals. "Limber up yer old ribaudequin, there and send yer half-starved mules to grass !'' exclaims the Thersites of the piece, addressing his playful badinage to a major of artillery. The ribaudequin referred to was a clumsy engine lika a modern pile- driver, worked by means of a derrick and a couple of mules. It was borrowed from the French by Bussvco, who is said to have realized a large amount of theatrical properties from similar loans contracted by him with that people.

And here, apropos of our mention of the donkey and the mule, we must express our regret that the Secretary of War has not seen fit to provide these hardy and indestructible animals for the use of our cavalry soldiers, instead of the nobler and more sensitive horse. It may appear paradoxical to say that these men should not be allowed to mount on horseback until they know how to ride ; but, really, if there is any faith to be pinned upon the principle of pro- gressive education, we must record our conviction that a course of patent Spring Rocking-Horse would be the best initiative for our gay dragoon. For this harmless imitation of nature a live donkey might, after awhile, be substituted, ia order gradually to accustom the trooper to the responsibilities involved in the maintenance of a live animal. When thoroughly broken to the donkey, the rider should be promoted to a mule ; his subsequent promotion from which obstinate animal to a horse, would be a blessing so great as invariably to induce that contentment with a soldier's life by which, alone, the camp can be assimilated to a happy village lying in the midst of Elysian fields.

Under the existing state of things, about one man' in a hundred of our cavalry soldiers appears to be in full possession of his facul- ties when mounted upon a horse. The animal despises him, accord- ingly ; and many a horse-laugh must go merrily around in the stalls, at night, as the noble animals reflect upon the results pro- ceeding from the Fall of Man. Perhaps the Secretary of War would be good enough to consider whether the appointment of a Riding-master Geneial might not be conducive to the organization of efficient cavalry , mid whether General Asboth might not be the right man for the place.

Fuller Intelligence from England.

Fuller, formerly of the Mirror, has assured the Londoners lately that he fully enjoys the confidence of the American press and pub- lic. This is quite true, for he has been living on it ever so long. Nothing can perhaps surpass that confidence unless it is his present assurance.

A Cereal Conundrum.

Q. — Why is the lid of a meal barrel like a fall of s:iow ? A. — Because it o\eis the Gioutid.

THE SONG OF THE STONE-HULK.

I.

Time was, I roved the Northern seas

To chase the blubbering whale, But now I lie in dreamy ease To rest my poor old ribs and knees ... A Cell, but not a Sail.

A number of us Calmly Lie . . .

Jeff D. is not alone . . . And barristers who southward hie Can comment, passing Charleston by,

Upon the works of Stone.

Though old, I still am staunch and stout,

A store of Rocks have I ; My comrades and myself, no doubt, With such a lot of Bars about,

Will ne'er get high and Dry.

The sharks, and porgies, and the whales

Swim by with look intent, And ask if, when I Bent my sails To lead the life this job entails

I followed out that Bent.

Though Davis, spite of shame and sin

Masters the South, 'tis true, To Lincoln I my faith give in . . . As I a Three-Master have been, Two Masters will not do.

When cannon, against Sumter's wall

Shall roar in warlike sort, I'll think, as howl the shot and ball From frigates trim and taut and tall, "lis their but uot my Forte.

So here in Charleston Bay I lie, A part of War's great game ; To pass me, let no skipper try, For though he Reck but little, I Shall Wreck him all the same !

THE LATE LAMENTABLE SNOW STORM.

Last week there came a great snow storm which produced quite a perceptible effect. Most of the dailies gave it a favorable notice, and asked it to make itself at home and stay awhile, and try to scare up a little sleighing for the livery stable keepers. Most people, however, growled— it is a habit they have— and said they didn't want snow. Skaters especially inveighed— so did literary men with leaky boots and pockets, semi-circular spines, dim eyes, pale cheeks, a demand for cough lozenges, and loads of manu- script. Somebody in our hearing made a very violent proposition —he drew himself up to his full height, glared like a gas-lit thoroughfare, anathematised the snow storm, and declared tuat he would rather have a deluge of fire bricks, knives and forks, blood cobble-stones, or Worcestershire sauce. The novelty of such com- ings-down might have made them more tolerable for awhile than the " old-fashioned snow storm," but we hardly think that a cob- ble-stone shower would find lasting favor with the community. If the Legislature would earn the gratitude of its constituents, it should take meteorological matters into consideration and try to regulate their phenomena, instead of spending time in planning schemes for gridironing New York with costly railways and adding to the expense of the great Park.

So the snow storm, you see, gentle reader, leads us to point a moral in a mild way— and morals are always advantageous to the public.

By a Spinster. People express a great deal of sympathy for women who are Un- happily Married ... but how 'about those who are Unhannilv

Single/ il 3

34

VANITY PAIR,

[JANUARY 18, 1*62.

A SKETCH OFF CHARLESTON HARBOR.

VANITY FAIR TO THE BRITISH LION-

Illustrious Brute,

With respectful salaam, Permit us to chant in your honor a psalm, As open-mouthed, showing the depth of your maw, And rampant, extending your prey-clutching paw, You roar in your wratb, as great brutes only can, For the life-blood of one whom you deem a "sick man." Some lions 'tis said take the war-path alone, And then come the jackalls for offal and bone ; But you, cunning creature, lie close in the bush While legions of jackalls are making a rush, And presently rising with grinders displayed, Would charge 'mid the turmoil they seem to have made.

Most politic quadruped, prudence like yours That first looks to safety, our homage secures. 'Tis pleasant to know that the guile of the fox Alone underlies those proud leoline locks — That e'en in the flush of your rage and your pride, You don't desire conflict with risk to your hide.

It once was reported, a long time ago, (There is no accounting for libels, you know), That like the distinguished old-fairy-tale Beast Who won Beauty's heart at his magical feast, You were royal within, and your form but a mask For chivalry, honor — all manhood could ask — In short, notwithstanding your rough shaggy vest, That the heart of a man rose and fell in your breast.

The estimate wronged you — 'twas all a canard;

You're the " cat-paced marauder" described by Gerard ;

A worrier of flocks, a devourer of kine,

Untouched by one gleam of an instinct divine —

A big-headed, burly and bloodthirsty thing,

That watches the moment of weakness, to spring.

Type of old English pluck ! while less scrupulous brutes

For fair play declare in their private disputes,

The " Lion of England that fights for the crown "

On folks in the midst of disaster, comes down !

And thinks as " the dew-drops he shakes from his mane'

That of all ways to strike, but the safe way is sane '.

Proud Leo, your doings of late in your den, Will make you henceforward the wonder of men. No monster in Heraldry's queer caravan Has been so distinguished since blazon began. You ought to be trailed through the world as a show With some one to make you bounce, bellow, and blow, And explain, showmanlike, how " this cretur, so gay, When he sees his advantage walks into his prey." Meantime, as is meet, you shall make the folks stare, Who expect to see monsters in

A NOBLE SAVAGE.

A Seneca Indian, who goes by the sporting name of Deerfoot, has been astonishing the fast runners of England with his fleetness of foot. - He ran a race at Cambridge, the other day, and so thor- oughly distanced all competitors, that our young friend the Pkince of Wales not only presented him with a purse, but actually shook hands with him. Only one ciicumstance occurred to mar the har- mony of the meeting. It appears that the Indian's white name is Bennett, on learning which, a young gentleman in the suite of the Prince, inquired of him whether he claimed relationship with the Senior Editor of the New York Herald. Instantly the Indian's eye flashed fire, and it was only by the prompt interference of thoiK present that he was prevented from performing the scalp operation upon the curly head of his rash interrogator. These Indians of the Seneca tribe are a very ancient and honorable race, and are quite proverbial for seleotness in choice of their company and con- nections.

^

Traitor vs- Tator.

The Richmond Whig, in an article censuring Jeff. Davis for throwing away opportunities, calls that pernicious person "the great Cunctator." From this it appears that Titors are sometimes served up with sauce pi 'quante in the stro ighold of the F. F. Vs.

A Subtle Combination. A Milesian friend of ours, with that felic'ty of expression for which his countrymen are so remarkable, characterizes the unc- tuous pronunciation common to Ethiopian Delineators as the " burnt Cork accent."

VANITY PAIE.

QUASHIBOO BULL.

Hurrah for the Brother of the Sun ! Hurrah for the Father of the Moon ! In all the world there's none Like Quashiboo."

" Buffalo of Buffaloes ! Bull of Bulls ! He sits on a throne Of his subjects' skulls ;"

" Huggabajee, Huggabajoo ! Hail, Lord and Emperor of Bugaboo !"

" And if he needs more To play at foot-ball, Ours all for him — All! All!"

JANUABY 18, 1862.1

VANITY FAIR.

37

VANITY FAIR TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. #

Dear Young Sir. — A late unexpected event, deplored as a calamity by us in common with all other civilized Powers,has placed you in a position considerably ahead of that hitherto occupied by yon, as the "Young Astyanax" of England. Hope, having first sounded carefully the harbor of the British mind, has cast out her anchor in the Roads radiating from Your Royal Highness — roads that may lead to Honor or to Ruin, just as Your R. H. decides upon running them.

Assuming that you cherish with fondness the memory of those jolly times we had together, You and We, in that pleasant Autumn of 18G0, when you drew so well here as a new sensation, we make no ceremony of conveying a piece of our mind to you. There is a rumor rustling on the wind from the East, and it hints that your habits are dissipated. True, that the suggestion arrives to us from a source not the most reliable in the world by a long chalk. It ■was the London Times that first threw out the hint, in that little didactic paragraph addressed to you on the subject of what you know ; and as the inuendoes of that many-tuned barrel-organ were apparently chimed in with by the old Plum-gut-strung Lyre which affects thunder for us, here, we swallow the insinuations with more than one grain of salt.

In plain English, however, there is a suspicion abroad that Your R. H. drinks. It is not because we ourselves are virtuous, as we know we are" that we would counsel you from an occasional judi- cious repetition of " cakes and ale." That day when you so cheer- fully assisted at the little blow-out given by us in our modest country mansion, we did not, as Your R. H. will perhaps remember, set you an example of contempt for the good things of life that abounded upon our festive board. If we had our Chinkaroras on the half-shell by the bushel, we flatter ourselves that we also had our Burgundy by the barrel. We bought our cigars by the box, for that occasion only ; and the liberality with which tooth-picks were handed round was, as we well remember, the subject of a very handsome compliment from Your R. H., in the form of a gold tobacco-box.

Now this kind of thing, for once in a while, is not only com- mendable ; according to our way of thinking it is necessary. Not the gold tobacco-box, but the little spree. But we should be sorry to think that Your R. H. did habitually go in for such out-and outers as that little Chinkarora business to which we have delicately alluded above. We have a sort of claim upon you, young Sir, and we want you to know when to pull up, and how to be apparently virtuous and respectable. Electroplate passes for gold and silver with the crowd. Be electroplated, then, and you will be happy ; and even in this state of electro-respectability, if we may so term it, you can do much good service to this really respectable country from which we have the honor of addressing you, by disabusing the British mind of its prevailing superstition that we are all muffs.

Your R. H. knows, he does, better than we can tell you, that the brilliant and gifted galaxy of young men, some of them con- tributors to this journal, who so ably assisted at the little Chinka- rora business already slightly resuscitated, was not a conglomera- tion of muffs. If wit is as good as gold — and we swear it is, ex- cept for the purposes of base commerce — you were surrounded with just about as doree a jeunesse on that occasion as ever you had laughed and quaffed with in foggier lands. Native American Art was only tolerably represented there, and yet Your R. H. knows of a glowing landscape by Vansiculus, and a sparkling genre by Pintado, which — excuse us for the remembrance — may yet recall to you the graceful manner in which they were transferred to Your R. H. upon a certain festive occasion heretofore casually spoken of by us as the Chinkarora one. Vansiculus and Pintado are only rising young artists here, and yet Your R. H. will have the good- ness to perceive that they are not muffs. You were so polite as to say — that Chinkarora night — that you did not consider our yachts- men muffs. Art and yachting in America, then, have your appro- bation, and we hope you will tell them so in England, when your time comes. You heard a good many speeches from our public men, here — too many, perhaps — and wc fear that you set them all down as muffs, accordingly ; but, upon calm reflection, you will perhaps allow that only some of them were, and will instruct the British mind to that effect when you come to counsel and influence it. Your opinion of the literary talent of this country was of a favorable stripe. You hesitated not to acknowledge the superior- ity of Vanity Fair to Punch. As for politics, the very first thing that struck Your R. H. as you good-naturedly remarked to us, was that we have about twice as much of the article here as you ever heard of in England. What did you tell us about lively Ameri- can Woman? — eh? When you went to th:; prairies of the West, you saw that the gardened lands of England could never furnish such wild and native field-sports an you found there. We have no fox-hunting, to he sure, but in that buffalo-hunt to which we treated your R. H. in the spacious grounds surrounding our man-

sion— the day before that Chinkarora nitrht — there were glimpses for you of men who might "lead the flight" in Leicestershire if inclined to visit your great hunting-grounds with that view, and who will undoubtedly lead the charge, here, in the slashingest, cuttingest and most multifarious manner that the world has yet seen, whenever called upon to do so in defence of their country.

Dear young Sir, we want you, who have had some slight expe- rience of America, to disabuse the rabid British mind of its green superstitions about us. That is one of the reasons why we had rather you didn't give yourself up to reckless dissipation and drink. The British mind, if slow, is eminently respectable, and we should like you to acquire influence over it.

Your considerate Mentor,

1 attity Jair.

BELLOWS vs. BELLUM.

It appears that Eliiiu Burritt, intellectually known as the " Learned Blacksmith," professes to have hit upon a plan for an amicable adjustment of all our difficulties, without any more war.

There are some who sneer at the mild and beneficent preacher of peace. There are some who go so far as to call even the melli- fluent John Bright a muff. We have heard it stated that a Black- smith who has too many irons in the fire is liable to sear his mauleys.

We hear that Mr. Bright is on his way to visit us, in the charac- ter of a mediator — cotton sticking out at the seams of his mind, pax vobiscum dripping sugarly off the tip of his tongue.

These men, we believe, are excellent and sincere persons, both of them ; but we are morally certain that they cannot tinker up our " difficulties," neither the Blacksmith nor the BrightsmUh. To the one we will say that human nature is not a horse-shoe bar — to the other that human nature is human nature ; and to both, that "there is no peace for the wicked," a proposition which covers a good deal of ground.

The Blacksmith fans fire into flame with his bellows ; but the Brightsmith cannot allay the flame with his, bellow as he may. Al- literary persons, attend. Behold how Burritt brings the Black- smith's bellows to bear upon the brand that burns all the brightei, while Bright blows blandly upon belligerents with the benevolent bellows of John Bull of Bashan, blending all the battle with blazes that are blue.

That's about the size of it.

We are afflicted about Mr. Burritt, though : who, linguist as well as blacksmith, ought to have been aware that Bellus is not exactly applicable io Bellum.

Vallandiahamisnv

To aid rebellion day by day

Yet meanly clutch at Union pay ;

To stand erect — a living lie

And seem secession to decry,

Still using against Law and Right

The weapons of the hypocrite ;

To stand aloof from dangerous strife

And back-stab at the Country's life ;

Concord to hate, and worship schism ;

This, this is Vallandighamism.

What do you think of this ?

A YOUNG MAN, RECEIVING THE PRINCELY SALARY OF $5 PER WEEK j\_ and has only had his wages lowered once in four years, wishes to find some young lady foolish enough to marry him ; beauty ard money will not be sneered at. If agreeable, send photograph to H. J., Herald office.

Such a young man as h. j. is really dangerous to the community, and ought not to be allowed to room outside the walls of a mad house.

If the lucky respondent to his advertisement does not bring with herself " beauty and money," we think it is obvious that there will be a dearth of those articles from the commencement of the honey- moon.

Perhaps h. j. looks upon five dollars a-week as quite a fortune — if so, well and good ; but we wonder how many of the female kind there are who would offer to be supported by him ?

Hard to Please.

The temperance apostles denounced the tea tax, though every- body knows it will prevent nine tenths of us from taking " a cup too much."

Breakers ahead.

Tossing amid "a sea of trouble'' the Southerners are naturally in constant dread of being overwhelmed by the Serfs.

18

VAJNTTY FAIE.

[JANUAKY 18, 1862.

The Key to our Position (vide Lecture by Wendell Phillips.)

A PIOUS PEER.

For rank and religion, fortune anil faitb, position and piety, con- sequence and conscientiousness, we do not know any British noble- man who is the peer of Peer Shaftesbury, of Exeter Hall, England. He is one of those rare animals which may be called Platform- Peers, lie is a sort of Perpetual Chair — though with little or no bottom ; and at all meetings for the promotion of pure religion in Equatorial Africa and the distribution of moral pocket-handker- chiefs to the unregenerate gorillas, you will find Shaftesbury pre- siding, and putting himself down for one pound, one shilling. It was Shaftksbuuy, we believe, who hit upon the notable idea of sending tracts on shore, where infidels were blood-thirsty for mis- sionaries, by enclosing the documents in bottles tightly corked — to the great exasperation of the wicked finders, who persisted in their preference of toddy to truth. It was Shaftesbury, if we are not mistaken, who invited Mrs. Stowe to breakfast — to defray the ex- penses of which, we trust that renowned lady will send him five shillings. Shaftesbury wears long-sighted barnacles, and is down upon the rascality of the antipodes. Shaftesbury is a deuce of a fellow after idols with seventeen eyes, seventy arms and no legs ! Shaftesbury thinks that the American Union is the idol of the god- less Yankees ; and he is for putting out its eyes, and amputating its arms at once. " I." says Shafiesbury — " 1" observes Shaftes- buky — "I" remarks Shaftesbury — "I" exclaims Shaftesbury, with fascinating modesty and affecting humility — " I, in common with almost every English Statesman, sincerely desire the rupture of the American Union."

Modest ' [Shaftesbury !" "I, in common with almost every English Statesman.''

Christian Shafte-bury ! — "desire the rupture of the American Union.''

It is " statesmanlike," therefore, to " desire'' anarchy.

It is Christian-like, therefore, to "desire" the bloody feuds of brethren, the contests of kindred, discord instead of unity, revolu- tion in tead of stability, want instead of plenty, weakness instead of strength, adversity instead' of prosperity, and ruin instead of salvation.

Pray, what edition of the New Testament does this loving Lord Shaftesbury read ?

But Shaftesbuky shall have fair play. He gives his most reli- gious reasons. He smugly says, in his own inimitably Pecksniffian way, and with all the unction of Stiggins and Mauworm rolled into one ; " It has been the policy of England to brook no rivalry, especially in the direction of her own greatness.'- "We justly fear'' continues the amiably timid dry nurse of the British Lion — " we justly fear the commercial and political rivalry of the United States."

Candid, Shaftesbury is at any rate. lie doesn't mouth matters. He doesn't say "Good Lord'' and " Good Devil," in a breath, but, upon this occasion, baldly sticks to " Good Devil," which doesn't stick at all in his throat. He desires a " rupture" of the American Union, fur all the world like a maker of patent trusses ; or just as

a surgeon gloats with rapture over an icy pavement, which promises to bring a few lucrative fractures and profitable disloca- tions to his shop. He is as jolly as the proprietor of a patent physic when a charming epidemic has broken out. We are really beginning to feel a sort of affection for Shaftesbury— he is so candid. He desires "aruptuie" of the American Union, but he desires it with a sanctified selfishness becoming a Christian noble- man.

" It has been the policy of England to brook no rival." Exactly so, Lord Shaftesbury ! and that was the policy, too, of the Romans who crucified the Founder of the Faith, without which— think of it ! there would have been no Exeter Hall for Lord Shaftesbury to air his religion in. That, too, was the policy of Lord Shaftesbury's ancestors, the Scribes — or is it from the Pharisees, that his Lordship is lineally descended? and very much a descent we think it would be. That, too, is the policy of His Hungry Majesty, the King of the Cannibal Islands. He would gobble you down, Lord Shaftes- bury— and give excellent state reasons for it — without askingany- body to share with him your nice cuts and tender tidbits. And so, as you truly observe, England with her miraculously good appe- tite, would swallow us, "justly fearing our commercial and politi- cal rivalry." It is civil, at J east, to give us warning before the predestinate deglutition commences.

The parting advice of Vanity Fair to Lord Shaftesbury is to buy a cheap Bible. Or if there be no such thing in England— and we have no reason to supppose that there is— perhaps poor Mrs. Stowe, in consideration of the breakfast, and out of her abundance, will send his Lordship a second hand copy, with the text "Love one another" specifically marked.

From the Studios.

" There is going to be a skating tournament at the Centra! Park, soon," said Chromiello, "and I have got a commission to paint it."

" Indeed !" drawled Mandeville in his dryest manner. " I should think that Church, now, would have been the man for that, on Gignoux. They^e had such experience in painting Ice, and Falls and things, you know.1'

Sick and Sore.

Among items by the late English mails we find the following :

14 A body of trained nurses on Miss Florence Nightingale's plan were to pro- ceed at once to Halifax."

Immediately after the above, comes this announcement : '■ The Army and Navy Gazette says that there is a prospect of trouble with the Sikhs."

If there was trouble anticipated with the Sikhs, why were the "trained nurses" ordered to Halifax instead of Hindostan ? It looks as if things were at Sikhses and sevens with England, ever since that little Trent business.

A Bad Match- It has been calculated by an English writer, that the whole length of waxed cotton wicks consumed every year by a large Lon- don manufacturer of matches, would reach from England to America, and back.

This calculation is curiously suggestive of the cotton bond between England and America. Lucifer sits at the English end of it.

Horse and Foot.

In depriving General Asboth of his position, the government have lost a valuable officer, for, being skilled equally as dragoon and foot soldier, he can always act As both.

Interesting to Cavalry Officers.

A music master in this city announces that he is ready to teach the " Lancers" in eight lessons.

"Is thy Servant a Dog?"

A writer in Hall's Journal of Health says : ' thing in the mouth while skating."

Never carry any-

A Dot which no Critic should omit from his i. Fanny Browne as Dot, at the Winter Garden.

JANUARY 18, 1862

VANITY FAIE.

39

A FEW SANITARY SUGGESTIONS-

AN extreme- ly ami able, agreeabl e friend of ours, who, from his infancy, has been subject to mea s 1 e s , hooping- cough, nettle- rash, croup, e r y s i p elas, neural gia, r h e umatism, sciatica, jigger, lockjaw, chie- go, shortness of breath, car- buncle, tetter, lumbago, p n e u monia, delirium i r e • mens, tooth- ache, bronchi- t i s , catarrh, s a It- rheum, =^ chil- blains, inverted nails and depres- sion of spirits, told us, a few

days ago, that be had partially got over several of these little troubles by following some plain rules found by him in an excellent publi- cation entitled Hall's Journal of Health.

It has long been our opinion that the American people, as a nation, do not take sufficient care of their health. We are nationally, as